Being A Better Lover

 Love. 

"noun-any object of warm affection or devotion." As defined by my dictionary app.

What a way to define something so diverse.... In today's society using the term "love" is quite common. We use it casually in our every day lives to explain how we feel about something or someone. The English language only has one word to describe an infinite amount of definitions for love. It could be why we as an American society lack in communication and tolerance. But let's be honest, politics are by FAR my forte. 

I have many loves in my life. I could easily take a big chunk of those infinite definitions just for me. Love is the most natural feeling I have ever had. Since I knew what feelings were, I "loved" this and "loved" that. I loved observing. I to this day, love to the ends of all spectrums and back again. It seeps out of my pores in every possible, tangible way. I love people in particular. As soon as I meet someone new, I can tell you at least a dozen traits I just "love" about them. For instance, a few current loves in my life. 

This furball truly is a gem. She's stubborn and lovely. Loyal as all canine go and just goes with the flow of my chaotic lifestyle. Bless her. 

Obligatory coffee shot. If you've met me and this surprises you, I didn't actually talk to you. 

These people. They make me better and don't bat an eye when I am hard to love. Especially when I'm the grumpy old troll who lives under their stairs. (Dora the Explorer anyone?) 

So comes all those on the receiving end of such an abundance of feelings. They were and are always very gracious. In a way, love was/is a crutch for me. A default. I could coast through life loving and no one would know any different. Recently, and by recent I'll say the last 6-8 months, I have realized what it is like to struggle to love someone. It was as if I was fighting my instincts. I could not put into words, or even rational thoughts, the weight and strain on my heart as I struggled with a relationship so dear to me. 

My church had a guest preacher last weekend from one of our church plants in England. So not only were we blessed with such wisdom and grace(I'm pretty sure I became a Christian all over again), we heard it all in a delightful, British accent! It's the little things. More importantly, he spoke of how to be better lovers and just how important and deep the love of Jesus goes. We as people need to be better lovers because we are loved by the One who gives it in the truest form of its definition. This caused me to really look at the love I so freely give in my life. The many levels of love I carry have yet to run dry, so why was there still so much weight on my heart when it came to this particular relationship? Through some late night discussions with some from my missional community, I was pushed to truly look at my heart and see not if I COULD love(because obviously that wasn't a problem) but HOW I was loving. And I was on autopilot. Give here, love there, respond to that person, forgive this one, and on and on I went. What a selfless lover I am, right? How easy we fall short to even our greatest blessings bestowed on us. I had fallen into habit and was falling short to the very person I had loved so dearly and was hurt by. Ah but with such a realization comes a load of pride. So. Much. Pride. And thank you to those who on that late night caused me to realize it. Truly. So as difficult as it was, I gave up that pride and took one step(a very small one) towards being a better lover to the person I was struggling so hard to love. It was so hard, people. 

Another humbling life lesson for the books and one more thing to add the list of daily battles to be fought.  For my fellow lovers out there, my sister sent me this quote that, phew! cut to the core but produced such encouragement. So please continue to mend not just others, but yourself with them. 

Cheers! 

. 

Lifers

So all morning I have been thinking about friends. I once heard about this girl who on her way to college told all her high school friends she planned on really jumping into the college life and trying to make new friends. At first when I heard this, my reaction was kind of put off. Really? You have to drop your old friends in order to make new ones? Yeah, okay.  Prick. 

As many of you know, I didn't attend college but went to a one year trade school to become a professional nanny. So when I think about that this girls logic,  I get it to a degree about branching out and blah blah, but how does that fit me?  I have heard on numerous occasions that you make your best friends in college. So again I asked myself, did I miss out on more than just the degree in not going to college? I have gone through moments over the years where I look and think, all my good friends are from high school.. Does that mean I am "living in the past?" Or "will I never get past the good old days because I haven't made new lifelong friends?" Now please understand, I have met some of thee most incredible people since high school that I cherish so very dearly. I am talking more about those lifelong friends who stay in your life through all seasons of good, bad and ugly. So today as I was thinking about my dear friends I saw this weekend when I went home, my mind really dug into who we are today and how far we ve come. And this is where I see a flaw in the girls logic of leaving her past behind. These women I went to high school with are not the same girls they were then. They have all grown and changed over the years and stand here today in the same skin(some of it stretched way out in the belly region! 😃) but not the same mind or soul. I looked at the picture taken below and I no longer see my teammates on the basketball team or classmates in pre calc. I see a group of women in the prime of their lives who are seasoned beings of society. A wife&mother, a teacher, a nurse, a vet student, a caregiver, a dialysis tech. Sticking with these girls and being with them as they grow and make mistakes has been one of the best parts of our friendships. I look at all the friends I have today from high school and just laugh. Some of them I have only become friends with in the last couple years. (It is amazing to me the relationship I have with people I barely spoke to in high school.) Others have known me for my very worst and somehow still talk to me today. What if I hadn't kept them in my life? What if I just let them fade? I don't think I would be the same person without each and every one of them. I believe God places people in your life for seasons and others are "lifers." I have been blessed with such an array of friend across my life living just down the road to all the way in Norway. This is my point, sometimes when you stick with something and maintain it, the results may just be one of life's greatest blessings. Put in the time. It is worth it. To all the people who have put up with all my shenanigans all these years and to those who just jumped on board and get to experience it, here is to you!! 

Memories

Whenever I pull up my blog to write a post, I am always amused to read my title "These Are A few of My Favorite Things." It reminds me to try and write of something positive instead of going on a rant. It reminds me to take a breath and evaluate before jumping in because the purpose is to write of my favorite things. So on this day, one of my favorite things are memories. Memories cover the full range of emotions of the human spectrum. Memories allow us to recall history and instill new traditions. Memories serve as lessons, reminders and encouragement. Sometimes even as inspiration or nostalgia. Memories are great. For some of us, memories are all we have left of loved ones who have passed away or lost in tragedy. Today in particular, I love memories for the latter reason. 11 years. Whoa. Last year at the decade mark, I was too busy to really even let it sink in that an entire decade, an amount of time referencing certain eras, had passed since my brother died. This year I honestly thought would just come and go. I would think back to that day so long ago when I had time and that d be it. Ha. Not so much. I used to think I could feel only two emotions, pain and indifference. If anyone has ever lost someone close to them and hasn't realized this yet,(it took me 10 years, so no worries!!) please hear me. There is more to it! You get to feel so much more. That's the glory of healing! Being in Omaha this past year has made me realize this. I automatically thought being here and driving by the hospital where we were told he was going to die was going to be painful. Remembering the nights spent in the Ronald McDonald House, not knowing what would happen next. Living just around the corner in the Old Market from his favorite restaurant. I just figured it'd all fit into the pain zone of my two part emotion scale. The memories would be painful and remind me he died. What surprised me was quite the opposite. I got new memories. Ones I had forgotten. Deja vu moments of driving in a certain area of Omaha and feeling the warm rush of "I have been here before.." And they all were with my brother. What I thought would bring me more pain ended up giving me more than I would have ever had if I had not ever come to Omaha. Memories are all I have of my big brother and after such a long time, they begin to fade. I have been blessed with new memories this past year and they have been beautiful. So what I found being in Omaha isn't that this is where we found out he was going to die, but how he has continued to live in my mind. Even after 11 years. Praise be to God for showing me such mercy. So any of you who have limited yourself to feel or not feel when it comes to memories, free yourself and maybe.. Just maybe you will be surprised. God works good through all things. Have a blessed Friday, my friends. Hug someone you love today. Call up someone you ve been in a fight with. Make sure those you love know it. Cheers! 

What are the chances of all my siblings, there happen to be a picture of Luke holding me as a baby? 

Freedom in commonality

So recently, I joined a mission community through the church I attend. It was a great decision. As I get to know these people and dig deeper into what makes them tick, I find the list of things in common growing. Clearly what brought us all together is the love of Jesus and common belief in Christianity. It is more than that though as you see the journey each of us have taken to reach that point. Truly intriguing. I amaze myself at how at ease I am naturally with these people and how encouraged I am in just sitting and having a cup of coffee. And I think the reason for it is this; freedom of commonality. When you find a group of people whether through religion or work or history or whoever your people are, you may begin to feel that same feeling of comfort. It's a safe zone. A place where you know truly being yourself won't be left alone, bruised and battered. It's a vulnerable place to be. I think many can feel uncomfortable in such a place because of the said vulnerability. If any of you are like me, sometimes words are hard to verbalize and when you do it ends up being this giant fluster cluck. And add being vulnerable on top of that?? Seems real comfortable right?? Not so much. My point is this. In those people we find common ground, we also find trust. In finding a spouse, it's the highest form of common trust. Mutual agreement and respect. Our biggest hurdle then is learning to let that vulnerability be the reason for trust. Trusting a group of people with your insecurities and shortcomings. If we can teach our younger society to find common ground and learn freedom in that, don't you think that maybe, just maybe fewer kids would feel the need for seclusion? It's those who feel no common ground that take the dark journey to suicide or shootings or crime. It is those who feel as if no one understands that begin to think of their situation irrationally. As Christians, we often isolate ourselves because we feel guilty or that no one struggles with the same sins as we do. Even if you aren't a Christian, isolation for struggles surround us all every day. Remember the vulnerability? Because of that, I believe we use isolation as a crutch because it's easier to be alone with our thoughts than to try and verbalize(with difficulty) our struggles. For Christmas, a couple in my missionional community (MC) gave us all a New Testament translation called The Voice. The book of James is one of my favorite books in the New Testament so naturally, I decide to read through that. Oh my. Check this out. "God the Father is the giver of all things and is looking for every opportunity to bless us. But many people have difficulty trusting and receiving good things, even when those things come from God. The problem is that we not only have trouble trusting God's work in our lives, but as also don't always respond to God's voice. People often hear the Scriptures but don't really listen. People store truths in their brains but never put them to use. For James, the only good religion is religion lived out every day." 😳💥 Did anyone else stand up and cheer?? How spot on was that!! I am not good with verbage like that! I read the above passage after completely half this blog and I just chuckled. God is around us, my friends. Take a minute to close your eyes, take a deep breath and listen. 

Taking the time

So as we get close to the holidays, family starts coming into town, all the finishing details of presents and baking are in full swing and we all seem a little stressed. So as we get stressed and busy, we sometimes just don't have time for the details of our life that are most important. I was reminded of this just a little bit ago after putting Z(the 4yr old I nanny for) to bed. My brother, Isaac, whom I haven't seen in quite some time, came into town yesterday afternoon. Naturally, we somehow stayed up til 2 in the morning talking and catching up last night. Which then led to numerous prayers of patience and energy for work today. So as today progressed I noticed more down time and cuddles with all three kids since I don't have the energy to be running around playing hockey or tag. It has been so nice. Z is always the last to lie down for his nap so I crawled into bed with him for a few minutes. I asked him about his show and tell at preschool and how his morning went. As it turns out he had got in a little trouble for not listening and told me he hurt his own feelings. It was darling but also made me realize if I hadn't been tired and taken those couple moments to rest and talk to him, he probably wouldn't have recalled the days happenings and I would have missed an opportunity to encourage him. Parents and other nannies can sympathize with precious moments like that. As I walked down the stairs, I wondered how many times I have missed moments because I didn't taken the time to really talk to Z. I have done that with my niece Lydia as well in the past. She always takes a little encouraging to open up. Kids in that 4-7 range are so tough because they are finally independent and able to do most everything on their own. However, we can get so caught up in their independence, we forget to give them the extra time and love they need. Kids are such amazing tiny humans and I take them for granted way more than I should. So take some extra time this year for a one on one moment with the tiny humans in your life. They are worth it. You might be surprised what you ll find out. 

Thankfulness

 So we have reached that time of year again. November. The red holiday cups have popped up in all the coffee shops. Pumpkin has been replaced with peppermint and everyone is thrilled for the extra hour of sleep. Cue the variety of scarves and boots along with the cardigans and wool socks. Needless to say really, I love fall. It is my very favorite time of year. The cool, crisp air and vibrant change of colors in the trees make me so happy inside. I can feel the change happening and it's almost as if anything is possible. I could write an entire blog just on fall. It's fabulous. 

Along with all things holidays, come the days of being thankful on Facebook. And don't get me wrong, I am all about taking time to reflect on the abundance of blessings we ve been given. However, I would like to challenge you. What if you could only be grateful for one thing? What if we were limited? My family has the tradition of going around the table after the meal on Thanksgiving and saying something they are grateful for. It's painful. I love the tradition but even though I think about it all day, I always panic when it's my turn and mumble something about loving my family. To which I am very very grateful for! Always. But there is more. I will always been grateful for the love of my family and their support. I think the glory in the tradition is what are you grateful for this year. Why not focus on the previous 365 days and really dig deep? Was it a hard year? A fantastic one? Did someone die? Was there a birth? A wedding? What about the defining moment on your worst day that year where you knew you were going to make it to the next sunrise? This year, I challenge you to find the one thing in the past months that made this year what it was. And next year, there will be another. God has blessed us all with beautiful people whom we love and care for, but He s also given us the choice to rise every morning and praise Him. So let's find those moments and give thanks for them. Because it is those moments that continue to keep us humbled and deserving of His grace.   

P.S. This year, I am grateful for the opportunity to redefine myself as not a Lutheran but as a Christian. (For more explanation, see link of a previous blog post.) 

http://heartofatravler.blogspot.com/2013/06/a-long-hard-look.html

Chasing the Sun

So I have been trying to decide for the past week if I wanted to write about this or not. It's a hard topic, however in light of many current issues across the world and locally, I decided to give it a try. A childhood friend of mine died last weekend in an awful car crash. It was very sad. I missed his funeral by a day since I couldn't get off work. Joe and I were never very close but he was always with my brothers causing trouble around the neighborhood. As I have grew up, I realized death is all a part of living. It goes hand in hand. My father performed part of Joe's funeral last Wednesday. It just happened to be dad's birthday. The irony speaks for itself. Where there is life, there is death. Every single day. 

Sara Bareilles is one of my favorite musicians. I refer to her lyrics often because they often explain emotions that are tough to verbalize. Her most recent album has a song called "Chasing The Sun." Below I posted the lyrics. I encourage you to take time to read them and even listen to the actual song. About halfway through she sings the following, "There's a history through her

Sent to us as a gift from the future, to show us the proof

More than that, it's to dare us to move

And to open our eyes and to learn from the sky

From a cemetery in the center of Queens"

The part that really got me was "it's to dare us to move." Deaths that are sudden like Joe's or the shootings in Kenya or the ones in Washington, they remind us just how fragile life is. Death shows us life stops for nothing. Sometimes we even get angry that life continues on as if nothing happened. If life stopped for us when tragedy happens, we d never get going again. It doesn't make it any easier. By no means, no. It does allow us to move towards healing. Everyone always told me "time heals everything." It bothered me a lot to hear that phrase. A decade later, I would like to correct it to say, "Time dulls the pain." And with that, we ve got to keep moving. Not forgetting, just encouraging each other to press on.  I encourage everyone to know the air we breathe is a constant reminder to keep chasing the sun! 

Philippians 3:14 

"I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."

                                          Cheers! 

 

   Chasing the Sun by Sara Bareilles 

It's a really old city

Stuck between the dead and the living

So I thought to myself, sitting on a graveyard shelf

As the echo of heartbeats, from the ground below my feet

Filled a cemetery in the center of Queens

I started running the maze of

The names and the dates, some older than others

The skyscrapers, little tombstone brothers

With Manhattan behind her, three million stunning reminders

Built a cemetery in the center of Queens

You said, remember that life is

Not meant to be wasted

We can always be chasing the sun!

So fill up your lungs and just run

But always be chasing the sun!

So how do you do it,

With just words and just music, capture the feeling

That my earth is somebody's ceiling,

Can I deliver in sound, the weight of the ground

Of a cemetery in the center of Queens

There's a history through her

Sent to us as a gift from the future, to show us the proof

More than that, it's to dare us to move

And to open our eyes and to learn from the sky

From a cemetery in the center of Queens

You said, remember that life is

Not meant to be wasted

We can always be chasing the sun!

So fill up your lungs and just run

But always be chasing the sun!

All we can do is try

And live like we're still alive

It's a really old city

Stuck between the dead and the living

So I thought to myself, sitting on a graveyard shelf

And the gift of my heartbeat sounds like a symphony

Played by a cemetery in the center of Queens

You said, remember that life is

Not meant to be wasted

We can always be chasing the sun!

So fill up your lungs and just run

But always be chasing the sun!

All we can do is try

And live like we're still alive

   Lyrics from azlyrics.com