I know/I feel

Oof. This one hurts just talking about.

How many times have you said the following? "I know....but I feel..." I feel like the last few fights I have been in, ended in me saying, 'I know the following to be true but I just feel like...' It is amazing to me how the brain can comprehend such rational thoughts while simultaneously feeling the most irrational emotions. I talk myself off that ledge multiple times a day. I constantly was told as a child that I had too many feelings and would always 'make mountains out of molehills.' Which is a hilarious saying that no one says anymore, except it did a lot of damage to my big little girl heart. I felt like me having all these feelings was a negative thing and no one ever told me how to fix it, they just told me I had them and it was too much. Like anything else, you hear the same thing enough, it becomes a part of your identity. For many years, I lived in the falsehood of being too much and having too many feelings. As I came out of that, I remember the intention I would use when talking. "I KNOW that this is the logical reason but I am FEELing like this to be true." I somehow felt like if I was able to show people I knew the difference between cognitive thought and reckless emotions, that it would somehow make them thing I was more of a manageable human. What came from it was a really great way to communicate all my feelings. Disperse them into boxes and help me separate out what was a reactive emotion versus a hurtful one. This language allowed me to sit down and have some of the hardest conversations of my life thus far. Ones that came with both words and emotions. Ones that led to healing, more hurt and emotions that just needed to be felt. When we find a voice for our emotions, we become damn near unstoppable. I turned that tap on full blast and became a little too good at it for a few years there. I was just all out there, all the time. It was where I needed to be at the time, but any of you reading this who were by my side during that season know 'abrasive' barely begins to cover it.

As a child, we are taught to speak but never really taught how to feel. A child throws a temper tantrum because they don't have the words to explain their feelings. And 7/10 times they end up getting in trouble for it. So we send them to time out. For their feelings. Until they can gather the few words they do have to explain why they acted in such a way. We don't teach our children the other language of being a human. Once they can talk, we throw vocabulary words at them, but never show them how to use those to speak. Or give them space to speak them. What if we taught a child the word 'anger' as one of their first words? And they knew to call that emotion what it is as soon as it arises. And then we teach them 'happy' as we tickle away the anger? They are much more resilient as wee ones than us jaded adults.

I guess what I am saying is take what you 'know' and start talking about what you 'feel.' Your feelings are real. All of them. The good ones, the bad ones, the really really hard ones. Our ugliest feels are those with the tightest grip. If we can find words for them, they lose all their power. It is part of the lies we were taught. Words are hard. It takes practice. When you say them wrong, don't get stuck on what was wrong, find the right way to say it. You can't change what comes out, but you can correct it. How many times do writers edit their papers to form the perfect sentences? I think that is why I am such a huge advocate for grace upon grace(yes, its my name). We mess it up. Every day. In what we say, in what we do, in how we feel, in the narrative we tell ourselves. But we get another try. To practice once more at trying to 'know' what we 'feel'. I know I don't have it all figured out yet..trust me. I am still pretty terrible at it most days..ask my H.O.H(official term for my boyfriend in all future posts.). He above anyone else knows just how wrapped up I can get in the know vs feel debacle. And I am incredibly lucky to have found someone who doesn't just quit on me when I get it wrong. On days where there is no words and only feels, I recommend the full fetal position with City and Colour on in the back round. Some days that is the only way.

Cheers Favorites, you are doing just fine. As am I.

Quitting The Pursuit of Happiness

Dear Favorite Things, its been awhile.
I stopped writing. Or at least I thought I had until I hopped back on here and saw how many drafts I started and never finished. I think I lost my voice among the internet's rage. Everyone posts their thoughts, opinions and feelings on every forum possible. Everyone screaming to be heard.  It made me feel like I should quiet my own thoughts. But, I am going to try and find that voice again. I have a piece about self love brewing... We'll see how that one translates on a keyboard. In the meantime...I found this one I wrote sometime last year. It still echoes in my heart. Every word. Cheers!

:: Most of my life has been spent searching for the next thing. I would go through my days and tell myself if I can just make it to the next phase, then I will be happy. Or then I will be able to shake that feeling of fear in the pit of my stomach. Honestly, it started way back even before high school. I remember thinking if I could just get to the next year or the next sports season. Always looking forward, hoping for something different. Searching for that moment it all clicked and I found happiness. Its the goal right? The pursuit of happiness. I was in the frame of mind that if I could just find a way to be happy, life would be simpler. What did I think would make me happy? For awhile it was if I just found a great guy, it d all work out and I would begin my life. Then it was, no guy but a great job, would accomplish what heartbreak did not. Nope. Money didn't make me happy either. What about comfort? Being around family and friends would have to give me what the world could not. Still nope. So I came to Omaha, Nebraska. Originally it was suppose to be for 6 months. I had a job lined up in Ireland in the fall of 2014. Surely traveling as a nanny was it. That was my purpose and where it was all going to fall into place. Could it get better than that?!! When that fell through, I was disappointing but I found the most ideal nanny family in Omaha. All aboard the train straight to the happiness station! The job was everything I could want but still...happiness just wouldn't stay but for a fleeting moment. Where else could I find it then? Lets try the great guy option. Maybe last time it was just the wrong place, wrong time. Nope. Still no happiness to be found. Am I doing it wrong? Is my pursuit somehow flawed? Why haven't I found it yet? Why do I have to wait so much longer than the others? "If only I was.... If I could only do.... If I hadn't done..." Doubts and insecurities flooded my heart as I kept pursuing my goals. If I can just get to the next phase, maybe it ll happen. As soon as I would realize happiness wasn't to be found in a particular stage, I was already on to the next, searching.

The reality of this life of pursuit started to sink in. I didn't even know who or what I was anymore.. So lost in the fix it all and suggestions others had for me to correct my discontent. "Put yourself out there... Finally lose the weight and just wait to see who comes back to you... Just let go and let God. If you believe, He'll bless you... You do you... It all happens when you least expect it...You need to just detach yourself from people... Have you tried exercise? Endorphins make you happy!..Stop being such a people pleaser... It is so much harder on you since you don't have someone to lean on... Just get out of your head and do it... You overthink too much... Have you thought about seeing a therapist?.. You look so much thinner, are you finally happy?.."
Soon, I realized I was never going to "find happiness." Happiness, like anger or hunger or sadness or frustration, is an emotion. It comes and goes with the day of ups and downs. So this being true, what then was I searching so hard to find? What was my heart aching to be filled with? As I began to dig through my life, I found residue of broken hearts, wavering confidence, deep rooted layers of unworthiness and emotional disconnect. I kept digging and at the very bottom, I found myself. Sitting there patiently, waiting to be found. I saw, among the chaos of my life's baggage and choices, a version of myself I had always dreamt of. One that stood with her head held high, wielding her shield, ready to fight whatever came her way.
I decided to quit pursuing happiness. To be honest though, I do feel happy most days. Like today for instance. I had a few moments that were so high, a friend even said my eyes were sparkling. The warrior inside of me had full rays of sunshine to bask in. Then as quickly as the light pierced those dark corners, it faded. Moments later, I felt a weight on my chest and could feel a battle start to rumble. In years past, that would have led me to panic and find a fix all for the sudden shift and wave of unhappiness. This time, I just knew it was another battle in the war of life. My battles are mostly silent. They rage on inside me every single day without mercy. Some days are more brutal than others, but in the end, I still get to the end of the day in one piece. And that is empowering. To conquer a single 24 hour period is a victory. Upon realizing the reasons behind my pursuit of happiness, I began to look around me and see so many other warriors fighting similar battles. Its isolating...fighting the way we do. Our insecurities raising havoc in our hearts and telling us we aren't worthy of anyone's ear or time. This helped me realize how common struggles are. The pendulum had once again found its balance for me, but I know there are some still struggling. To be seen. To be heard and even to be found.::

Never stop pursuing, Friends!

Tolerable

"And so I now have this irrational fear that I won't be enough because I learned how to bury the majority of myself to be tolerable."

   As my fingers rapidly hit 'send' and reread the above statement, I began to cry. My tears fell for all those moments flashing in my head where people told me I was too much. To stop being so dramatic. To not have so many feelings. That my personality was a blessing and a curse. That the best parts about me were also the reasons they didn't want to spend time with me anymore. Its stinging reality came with a wave of relief though. That message was sent to my boyfriend, who God bless him, somehow keeps telling me I'm not too much. That my low points are valid and normal to my life experiences. 

   As I stepped away from my life of secrets and silence, I learned to avoid certain triggers and habits that allow me to live a pretty balanced life. This week... I have been terrible at avoiding them. Its almost as if I embraced them. So now here I find myself, writing this blog on 4 hours of sleep the past 48 hours. However, here we are. And I have thoughts.. and many feelings. 

    I can honestly say...I don't think my life has ever been so full and happy. I truly mean that. I am in an amazing life season and am so incredibly blessed to be surrounded and loved by some of the best people. That being said, I found myself quite sad today. Sad for how quickly life changed to get to this full and happy place. For how many relationships I lost all at once earlier this year. For the habits and changes I made. For the selective ways I now avoid areas of life so I don't end up on my bedroom floor in a panic again. I don't want to be this way. I don't want to have these issues with anxiety. I don't want to feel like a flakey friend all the time. I don't want to tell someone "its okay" when I am screaming at the top of my lungs on the inside that it is not. That I get so freaking angry and hurt sometimes. But feel as if I can't go and tell that person because it will come back to me reacting to all my feelings. So how can I find the balance? How do I confront conflict without inflicting myself as a victim to my circumstances? 

   This is what I know. In the happiest days of my life, there is still brokenness. For every mountain I conquer, I have 12 more to climb. For every bad day, there is a new one coming. For every great day, there are still bruises. This life is messy. And real. And it is mine. So screaming from the top of my little inner voice mountain, "I am scared. I am too much. I am tolerated. But I am also fearlessly confident in knowing I am enough. I am loved. And I am sought after. 

   Lord, give me courage in my days of being disheartened. Don't let my heart harden in the process of healing. Fill my scars with love and not malice. Remind me even you wept for the world's brokenness. Equip me with the balance needed to fulfill my daily requirements on this earth. Never let me stray from knowing you want only good for me. And that I was chosen to live this life. 

What It Takes

I wrote out a long 3 paragraph blog about difficult long term relationships and how life is a never ending maze of confusion. The following quote were my final thoughts. And honestly, all that should have been said.

"So even though, my world was in momentary chaos, I realized I am okay. And so are you. Even when we re at the bottom of it all, messy and covered in life's decisions."

We are put on this world for a lifetime because we have time to live. And living mine is a joy I take for granted entirely too often.

Fight or Flight

So I have come to a giant, humbling conclusion lately . I am really terrible at relationships.

I have officially been in Omaha for over 4 years now. (HOOOOOW did that happen?!) This means I have been in one place for the longest period of time since high school. How cool is that?! Cool and real scary. Really. Freaking. Scary. I found that living life with people face to face is tough. I haven't had any relationships face to face and day to day in almost a decade. I would live a year maybe two with people then move. I still keep in touch with those people, but they would exit from my every day. So here I was living my life with a series of really great relationships that were all long distance. I was a great long distance friend. I could hop on a computer or phone and text and Skype and Facebook the crap out of any of you. But live every day life? I am doing it so poorly. I am remarkably insecure. The confidence I once knew gets shredded down to bits and pieces because all of a sudden, my very broken self is under the light of every day, tangible life. I feel myself pulling backwards and inward. My constant inner voice asking "What if? What if you aren't enough, Grace? What if they get tired of you and don't want to live life with you after 4 years, let alone a whole lifetime?" The clear answer is that all those thoughts are garbage. And I know that they are..maybe.. some days. Some days I can only get out of my head long enough to function. I keep wondering why I am so tired all the time and how one can go from being an extrovert to an introvert so quickly. I wasn't really changing as much as just being a human.*gasp* Whaaaaaat?  Excuse me while I climb down from my stool where I stood thinking I was so different than all others. I, Grace, am a basic human with basic human struggles. My crazy is just as crazy as the next persons. They struggle just like I do. My frantic and extreme meltdowns don't feel so big anymore. I was told often as a little girl that I was over dramatic. Granted, I was very expressive of my feelings and emotions, but I took that little label and created a billboard with it. I made it my identity. Grace, the drama queen. Grace, the girl with too many feelings. Grace, the meltdown haver.

You guys.... I'm a normal freaking human being. I'm not too much. For this life or anyone in it.

So now that we have established my average human status, lets also point out, I am an individual. I do love so deeply and feel everything. I do get super loud when I am excited or surprised. I do snort when I laugh. I fail every single day along side continuing to succeed. And I am really bad at relationships. They scare me more than I ever thought they did. Emotional vulnerability and exposure are sometimes paralyzing. I had a panic attack a couple weeks ago.. It was a bizarre. I have never experienced one like that before. I have days where I spiral, but I can normally talk myself out of them or am able to just sleep off the insecurities. That day was a perfect storm. I tried over and over to pull myself out of the loud and dark doubts echoing in my mind but I just couldn't do it. After about an hour of it steadily getting worse, I found myself sitting on my bedroom floor, arms wrapped around myself and not able to take a deep breathe. Somehow I managed to text my little brother, asking him to come over. I was in a worse place by the time he was able to get there. Through some coaxing, he was able to steady my breathing and get me to string enough words together to tell him what was going on in my head. And I said a lot. I think I scared him as much as I was scared. I showed him the version of self loathing and hate that I fight nearly every day. And it sucked. I felt legit ashamed for days afterward. I let myself get into such a position not asking for help that I had to put him in a terrible situation in order for him to help. But he showed up.. just like he has every other time. And I figure couldn't figure out why. Except now. He loves me. For every normal, up and down feeling I have every day. For every doubt, fear and insecurity that makes me into his big sister, he loves me for it. Yet I let myself forget the why nearly every day. It is terrible! I'd like to stop forgetting. I want to learn to love being normal. If you're reading this and are one who gets to live our normal lives day to day together, help. Please help me to not forget to love being loved. It is so hard but it is what I want the most. I want to stop shutting out those who love me SO well and just let them.

Last summer was the deciding moment for me. I was just past year 3 and starting to feel my heart lace up her running shoes. I had a great conversation with a friend recently about the moment you decide to fight or flight. I knew I didn't want to run, but wasn't sure I was strong enough to face my insecurities and fears. Then one day, I remember driving by a favorite spot in Omaha and knowing I wanted to fight. I wanted to fight for this city, for this life I have built here and for those I loved so dearly. I wanted to fight for them and with them. I wanted to fight through all my crap and I wanted to come out on the other side. So here I am.. Year 4 and knocked on my ass. With a little pep talk and wiping of the tears, I am back on my feet. So come at me with your best shot, I'm not going anywhere.

The Open

  It would be fair to say if you stuck 10 people in a room at random, 3 of those 10 would know what I was referring to when I said the words, "The Open." 

If you were one of the other 7, let me tell you about this new "fitness fad" called Crossfit. Oh, you've already heard of it? Right, of course. People love to talk about it. Others get tired of hearing about it or are annoyed of the cult following it has. I cannot be impartial to either because here I am about to get on my box and rave about it. 

 My first introduction to Crossfit was when I watched my brother in law do The Open back in 2012. He was doing a workout and caught a squat clean on his knee, snapping his forearm the Tuesday before The Open began. It was horrifying. Nevertheless, he got a hard cast and the next week, he was back at it. So I watched again in agony as he killed himself doing bar over burpees one handed because of his cast. I remember thinking, "Why? Just stop. Please.. this is so dumb. I don't care enough about fitness to do that to myself. Crossfit is stupid. And so hardcore." The reality is I respected his dedication. But I didn't get it. The next year, he and my sister opened their own crossfit gym in Kansas. I was so happy for them but still couldn't understand all the crazy and weird stuff they talked about. My brother in law mentioned a book with "Supple Leopard.." in it and I was out. I was so proud of them both and the risks they took to launch their business. A year after they opened, my sister and one of my older brothers pitched in and bought me on ramp classes for my birthday at a gym here in Omaha. I was super annoyed. I wasn't going to freaking do Crossfit. I'm not an athlete and I will never look like those chicks on all of the promos about crossfit. "You've got to be kidding me" was all I was thinking. My sister kept telling me to just go and try it. The classes were already paid for. 

So I went. I went once a week for 5 weeks and learned about proper form and how to stay safe in movements and during WODS. (I also remember a distinct moment of rolling my eyes and saying, wtf is a WOD?) I survived the on ramp classes and didn't totally hate it because it wasn't long distance running. Still not enough to make me join so I said thanks and went on my way. Months down the road my now lovely roommate told me she crossfitted at a gym not too far from our neighborhood. I was in a place where I knew I needed to make some healthy changes because the the scale was on the rise again. As was my anxiety and depression. So I ignored my bank account screaming and paid my dues. We went to the early, 5 am class so I could get to work on time. It was terrible. I had never been so sore in my entire life. It hurt to sit down and pee. It hurt to reach up to the cupboard. I felt soreness in muscles I didn't even know existed. If I made it twice in one week, it was a miracle. I was so sore the day after a workout, I'd take the week to recover before going back. I time capped every workout and always felt so miserable and out of sorts. There was so much new terminology. The coaches always talked so fast and everyone seemed to know how to do it except me. Not wanting to look dumb or fall under scrutiny, I never took the time to ask questions or learn certain tricks. I mean.. it was 5am and no one wants to think that hard anyways. Meeting people was hard.. I was a social extrovert who was suffering from anxieties in other areas of life, so putting myself out there like a typical extrovert was painful. I felt so uncomfortable. Constantly. I seriously hated it. I couldn't do half of the movements required in workouts so why was I even there? So I showed up less and less and eventually stopped. I had a shame complex in giving up and owning my failure so I paid my membership out of guilt. Months later at the dog park, I ran into a couple I recognized from the 5am classes. The gal and I had done a couple workouts together as partners. I fondly remembered her cheering me on during wall balls once. We hit it off and swapped numbers, promising to grab a drink sometime. When we did, she told me of their plans to open their own gym starting that spring. Feeling a rush of admiration and nostalgia for my sister, I jumped in and said I would totally join when they opened. We became friends and I started to meet a few more of the people in the project. They were all young. No one over 27. They were so excited and spread those seeds into all who interacted with them. In the late summer of 2015, Climate Crossfit was open for operation. I had spent the summer running and doing a couple weird HIIT workouts here and there, trying to get ahead of the curve and ready myself to Crossfit again. Knowing people going into it put my anxieties at ease and I felt like I had a base knowledge to help keep me committed this time. Within the first couple months when I adjusted to being sore 80% of my life, I started to actually enjoy working out. I began to be fond of certain lifts and progressions. But most of all, I loved the people. I loved walking into a small space again and knowing most everyone in the room. During that season of life, I was dealing with some heavy baggage from my past. This began to surface and directly effect my workouts. The majority of "doing Crossfit" is mental. Those who can just shut their minds off and grind are typically your star boys and girls of this sport. I was surprised how often I would drag my baggage into the gym with me and how it effected my ability to perform well. With that came the next level of love I have for these people. It didn't go unnoticed so my coaches inquired about my life. That's not their job. They are there to teach you crossfit. That's it. However, I will bet you every cent in my bank account(it's not much, sorry) that you couldn't find a single crossfit box that is simply just a gym. People who own these gyms are special. They don't just show up and do their job. They pour their heart, time, tears, sanity and so so much more into every. Single. Day. And into every single person. 

It sounds silly but every time these coaches pushed me during workouts, believed in my abilities and pushed passed my mental game when I couldn't, it translated into my every day life. Because, friends.. life was real hard that year. When I was in my box gym, I would look at the board and see all the things I couldn't do. So I would tell myself, just keep moving. No matter what, just keep moving. I completed my first Veterans Day Murph in 61 minutes amidst thunder show and miserable conditions. That was the moment I knew I could "do" Crossfit. And love it. And hate it. And never give up on it. Or myself.
That first year was crazy. Movements and lifts just started clicking one day. I knew the lingo and how to properly scale workouts to my level. I slowly stopped time capping all of the workouts. I fought so many of my demons in that space. Ultimately, its you against you. You re the one who is going to have to move and get to the end. And so as I began to do the hard things in Crossfit, I saw that I could also do the hard things in my life. 

I did The Open for the first time last year. The crew was on me about it non stop and I was determined not to cave. Why give myself one more reason to fall short on something? But the week before it started, I sat in my car, cried and signed up. It seems silly.. why that was so emotional for me. It was as I said earlier, I was fighting for so much more in every workout than just a good cardio session. The Open was insanity. It was so fun and crazy. We did a ton as a community those 5 weeks. 16.5 was the final workout. It was a combination of thrusters and bar over burpees. I was in round 2 of like 5 and I hit a wall. Hard. My mind basically went "Nope." Oh, and there was no time cap. So there I was. My mental game in shambles, my safety crutch of time capping gone and it was just me against me. I remember my friend Patrick, who was judging me, saying, "You've got to move, Gracie. You have to do something." So I somehow did a few more burpees. Then a few more thrusters. At snail speed. I kept telling myself I didn't care. It wasn't worth my pride and that it was okay to quit. Then, as they finished, everyone came over to where I was and started cheering me on. I remember being on the ground, struggling to get out of a burpee, when my friend, LeAnn's face showed up and told me to stand up. Then jump. Then go down. And up. Jump over. She kept telling me every move to make and kept me going. Pretty soon I heard a buzz of people counting reps out for me, telling me to do "One for the Corps", one for them, one for peace. So after an excruciating 36ish minutes... I ended The 2016 Open as I started it. Crying. But this time the tears weren't of fear, but of pride. And exhaustion. I still don't know how I finished that stupid workout. I tease about how I blacked out and don't remember doing it, but I do. I remember every voice cheering me on and telling me I could do something I had mentally already decided I couldn't do. So when people tell you about Crossfit.. it's probably not because they want you to do some crazy fit of exercise. It's probably because they have had a similar moment. The moment you realize it is more. More of what, is for you to decide. But if anyone tells you they have only ever done crossfit for strictly the exercise, they re probably lying. What we as crossfitters want more than those rock hard abs and a good butt, is for our people to know they can do hard things. And not only survive them but thrive through them. 

I signed up again for The Open this year. I am recovering from some gnarly nerve damage in my sciatic nerve, so it seemed pointless at first. I can't do half the movements so why compete? Because all of a sudden, The Open isn't just for me, but for my community too. My only goal this year is to be in a place to cheer on someone and help them see the hard things they can do. Just like my people did for me last year. So if you haven't signed up.. please do. Even if you need to cry first. It really is worth it.

Cheers! 

Politics

So here's your cliche start to any good political rant "I'm not big into politics but..." Or "I never say anything about so and so but.." 

Here is my big 'ol fat 'BUT' for you... 

Donald Trump. Republican nominee for President of the United States of

America. Never have I ever had such a strong opinion about anyone in my life. 

As most any of you know, last week released the first of now many allegations  of Trumps sexual indiscretions both verbal and physical. That article. That clip. It struck a chord with me. I have learned a lot about myself in these 25 years on earth. One of them is this: I am very good at down playing deeply felt and highly reactive emotions I have towards something controversial. I am a people pleaser. I don't want to cause conflict if there isn't any and want everyone to find a happy balance. A grand optimist in all outcomes. So as it turns out, I had a very deep and highly reactive response to hearing Donald Trump say he "could do anything" and "grab them by the p****." Let me tell you just how deep those words hurt. As a woman, who has been "grabbed by the p****" and demoralized as to nothing more than a play thing, I am appalled. I am appalled that this is the IMAGE we are giving to our daughters and sons as someone who stands by what the Republican represents. This is the man who will not just "be in office 4 years til we come up with something better." This man will be sworn into the history of our country as a voice, a face and a mark maker for so many years to come. 

I posted the article about the leaked video of Trump's "locker room talk" with a plea to all my Facebook friends to not vote for him. Of course, it spiked many unwanted comments about voting and the "politics" of it. What I didn't expect was a text from a longtime friend. She said in light of my FB post, she felt it on her heart to tell me she was going to vote for Trump. I was taken aback but wasn't super surprised she was choosing the Republican Party. So fast forward a week later and here I lie in bed at 3 in the morning, unable to shake off why that text was bothering me so much. I ended up texting her back and explaining why I couldn't vote for Trump and why my plea was so adamant. But then after reading it, I started to cry. I was suddenly overcome by the helplessness of our broken world. We, as just people, are broken. We as an American society are broken. And it's not going to be fixed by a great president, or an agreeable Congress or religion or every day being free pie day.(although I support that.) We have to start in our homes. In our neighborhoods and in our children. Gone are the days without Internet and not having access to the world. We can't protect them and their innocence like our parents did with us. We can only educate them. Teach them the difference between words and actions and how both are harmful and have weight. Teach them respect and conviction to take a stand. Teach them to be passionate but to do no harm. Teach them to love. Because if nothing else, simply loving a broken person can change the trajectory of their life and all the lives they interact with. It is impossible for us as finite humans to change the heart of another person. But we can love them well. Despite all their crap. Sadly, all of that doesn't change the fact that we still have to vote on Nov.4th... So when it comes to that, I can't tell you what to do. 

So in conclusion to my political rant... Please love well. Be better. Because I truly believe in goodness. It's there. Let's dig deeper, my friends. 

Cheers! 

Observations

Some observations I have about life and my day so far. 

*Nanny life... It isn't easy. It's compared to being a parent often, but I would not consider it remotely close. Being a nanny isn't better or worse, it's just different. Like any interaction with a human, you have a relationship with the kids you take care of. It's not like a mommy or daddy relationship. It's unique to itself. I spend give or take 50hours a weeks it's these kiddos. They are who I interact with the most every day. They re my friends, my comedic relief, my dose of reality, my depths of despair and always my questionable levels of insanity. I think about them when they re not around. I always pray that they behave well for their parents at night. That they will follow through on all the hard work we put in every day. It's a beautiful picture to paint, but being a nanny is hard. It's my life but it's also my job. My job is based around their levels of education and are they meeting required milestones. My life is showing them to see life through many scopes, teaching them to think outside of themselves and to be something bigger. Giving them the freedom of independence and cultivating kindness. I want them to be great and confident and fearless. You might be thinking, 'sounds like all the things a parent would want for their kid too. Aren't you treating them like a parent?' No. I don't want all these things for them because I feel like they are my kids, but because they are kids. My desire for my nanny kids isn't just for them. ALL kids deserve to have those things. As a care giver, I'm not just raising  kids, I'm raising the future of our society. Not just bc I'm a nanny...but because I am an adult. I felt the weight of this responsibility lately. That this is more than just a job, it's life. And it isn't just my life, it's all of ours. We all have this responsibility to kids. It's hard because I constantly forget. I go home and I get caught up in my life and my struggles and I forget that when I go through tough times in life, they do too. When I am stressed and tired from not sleeping and spend a day with them constantly frustrated and impatient, I put strain on our relationship. Teaching them to trust me is a harder task than I ever imagined. Between their parents and myself, We are the first experience they will ever have in trusting someone fully. You can see that in all adult lives. People's stories matter because we are actual products of how we were raised. We, as a adults. get to choose to be refined or remain as we are. When you have a relationship with a little one, they love better than all of us. When I'm sad because of things in my personal life, they pick up on it and I get more hugs and more kisses that day without even asking. When I have to apologize for getting upset with them for unwarranted reasons, they are so quick to forgive and give me grace. Maybe we as adults need to continue to learn from the ones we are teaching. I know I do. Ever day. Because relationships grow us. Constantly. There is weight to being a person! And I feel like it's time we all start feeling it.* Clearly I'm in tune with my emotions, I cry over anything and everything lately. (🐶, Last night it was the New Girl finale) I think I finally realized I'm allowed to feel emotions as an adult because sometimes I am sad. And I am angry and I am oh so happy. And sometimes I want to scream. My kids taught me that it's ok to feel those things. Zander saw me sad one day and told me it was ok to cry if I was hurt and he d get me a bandaid. Emotions are real and valid. A six year old taught me that.again. 

So here I am, sitting in beautiful green grass observing my two nanny kiddos play in the sand from a distance. I know they will come calling when they can't figure out a problem or when they need a booboo kissed. They trust me to be sitting here. But what I realized today is that I trust them to come to me as well. Because that's what a real relationship is. 

*Cheers* 

The Simple Things

Goodness, it seems like the longest days always have the best sunrise the next morning. As I made my coffee this morning, bracing for long day number two, spunky Handsome Man(2) climbed up on the counter for a drink of water. Now to be honest, he is probably thee messiest toddler I have ever taken care of. The kid has no gauge for neat and tidy. None. So naturally, one simple glass of water typically ends with all but one sip all over the floor, the dog or himself. This has led to many daily conversations of me repeating "No messes, Buddy. No mess." 

You see where this is going yet? 

So as I give him his glass of water, he spots two more on the counter and makes his way over to them. And so begins the game of pouring water from one cup to the other until all the water is no longer anywhere in the cups. I just kind of sigh and say, "Buddy.." He immediately turns to me and flashes his cheesiest grin and says "No mess, Gwace! No mess!!" It was perfect. I tear off a paper towel and hand it to him, telling him he needs to clean up after himself when he is done. As I settle in with my coffee, I just watch him. It was one of those times when you think of how much more kids enjoy the box their toy came in than the toy itself. It really is the simple things. The little things. 

These thoughts took its natural turn and down a rabbit hole... You all know how I am. So here it is. Children all over the world don't even have the luxury of cups let alone water to just play in or sadly, drink. Yet those same children still learn and grow. Their brains don't stop growing because they don't have tools to develop. They naturally find or create what they need to thrive. Handsome Man has all the learning tools he could want at his finger tips yet for him, he wanted to displace water. And that is awesome. I guess there is no depth here other than an observation and an encouragement. As adults, I feel like we get SO caught up in our jobs, making ends meet, our friends, our workouts and our hobbies that we forget. I know I do. I forget how significant and incredible the simple things are. In a world that waits on pins and needles for a lottery winner, take a chance to look at some of your little things. I can promise you if you look long enough, you ll probably find you hit jackpot already. Today, mine is now soaked and sucking water from a sopping paper towel. :) 

Cheers, friends! 

Multiple Accounts

I realized today that I have multiple accounts for almost every social media profile. Why is this? Am I the only one who wants a piece away from all those people who already have so much of me? I started a foodie Instagram account about a month ago and I LOVE IT! I feel like it is a special place for all the things I truly love outside of my day to day grind. I have the greatest job. I get to work with three incredible tiny humans and I post pictures of them constantly on my first account. But my new account for some reason, I want to be void of that specific hat I wear. Is it an identity crisis? It could be. I sometimes have to go home and remind myself I am a single, 24 year old woman who has lots of freedom and love left to give the world. It's really easy to sink into this hole of being the single caretaker of 3 kids who suck me dry of everything I have. That I can only come home and sit in front of the TV and live vicariously through the life of characters. 

Those are lies.. And some days I believe them. Today isn't one of those days though. Today I believe in my ability to work 14 hours, go home, love on my dog, read a good book and have a conversation with my roomies. Or grab a drink with a friend after a long day. Or find a food truck for late night street fries. Because I live in this world. I can wear many hats and love many things. I have no identity outside of Christ, which frees me to identify with what I wish. So here are a few of my favorite things this week.

My dog who I feel like I never have time for and loves me anyways 

I wasn't kidding about those street fries. Thank you, Local Motive! 

My Crossfit gym lets me bring my dog inside while I workout. They re so great. I love my gym. 

My niece did my hair and make up one weekend and I felt like a million bucks! My short hair allows me to do lots of fun retro do's. 

I once went to a music festival and flirted my way into free beer because I sometimes open my mouth and say funny and clever words. 

It is unknown to me, even now, why I love men and bears so much... Large, hairy creatures. It's weird. No, I'm serious.. Look at my phone case... 

My 14 year old niece once designed me a chest tattoo and to this day, think it's super rad and would love to get it one day. She is so awesome. 

Ok.. One more. 

Cheers!! 

Process Complete

Well, I made a good run for it but all good things must end at some point. I didn't make it a whole year of my sabbatical from all social media, but the 8 months I did take were well worth the time off. One tattoo, over a foot of hair gone, one cruise taken, three weddings, a week in the mountains and many tears shed, here I am a little ways further down the road. To play catch up, a couple photos for each month gone. 

January 

I said goodbye to the world at my fingertips. I read like 5 books this first month as I weaned myself off of the media world. It was really freeing to not feel like I HAD to be in contact with everyone. I didn't really document anything that first month as part of my cleanse. 

February

  I went on a cruise and got a great winter tan! It was glorious and I fell in love with my job all over again. 

Nothing like being sunburned in Feburary. 

March

 

I got my first tattoo. My favorite person happened to be my Grandma. We had written hundreds of letters back and forth since I left home 6 years ago. This was taken from one she wrote me last fall. "'Hello-Bye-Love" It was too good and captured her distinct handwriting perfectly. I had plans to get it done before she passed away and even told her about it. Sadly, she died in October. I finally got it done in March. It's one of my favorite pieces of my body now. 

I found this gem when I went back home last week. I had never seen it before. Man, I miss her...

April

  I moved into a house with these two beauts. I couldn't be more blessed or excited to have them in my corner as I continue to tackle life. Even if they make me watch the Bachelorette with them... 

May

 My dear friends Bryan and Glenna got married and I was so honored to be a part of their special day.

 I turned 24, which makes me feel like I just might be a grown up one of these days. Oh and I decided it was time to chop 14inches off my hair! 

A real weight off my shoulders. I seem to hold my head up just a little higher. 

June 

  Oh Colorado. How perfect this trip was. After a tough first part of the year, this halfway mark made it all seem worth it. My two dear friends got married in Evergreen and all the heavens rejoiced at such a union. 

This was my favorite picture. The background is stunning but it so perfectly shows off my tattoo and I can recognize my Grandma's handwriting from here. :)

 

July

  Babies babies babies!  

I finally spent some good time here in my Homaha. I did take a day trip to FINALLY meet baby O'Mealey. That boy stole my heart the moment I saw him asleep in his daddy's arms. 

Then there is sweet baby Harper. I randomly ran into my friend Jaimie at Target and was so happy to finally catch up! Look at that chubby face! I could love it forever! Backstrom baby #2 is on its way too and I'm so thrilled! 

We took a roommate trip down to my parents in Missouri. 

We are still recovering and shedding the pounds from the amount of food consumed. #mommamadefriedchicken

And so tomorrow starts August which is full of end of summer activities and somehow, school?!??? The older two will keep plenty busy so not so little handsome man and I will have lots of one on one time. 

I'm really excited about what everything this fall has in store. Stay tuned!  Cheers, my friends! 

The Masterpiece

I have a beautiful life. The type of beauty that is a little abstract. Messy. 

If my life were a painting, it might first confuse you when you look at and and cause you to think something like "how could this be a masterpiece?" "Is the artist crazy? This isn't beautiful." Ah, but just when like me, you re about to walk away, something catches your eye. "That's kind of a cool glob of paint. I'm sure it was an accident. Together it's a total mess but that one little area is pretty neat. Well there that corner piece too. And the one in the middle. Wait a tic... This is actually kind of interesting.. It kind of tells a story.."

That is some of the commentary I have had in my head lately. My life is so messy, but ah, how it is beautiful mess. And it is definitely not by accident. Each stroke of the brush in the painting of my life is strategic. The Artist has chosen each color, each brush size and every shape with great detail. Sometimes I stand there behind His shoulder questioning each stroke. I am always silenced by a quite, "I'm not finished with you yet." I get impatient. I don't want to wait and watch. I just want to see it finished. See it's beauty in completion. I often forget the true beauty of the painting is watching it come together. My church is preaching through the Psalms of Ascent this summer. Appropriate. It has caused me to realize I should stop hovering and just take in each stroke the Maker is putting into my beautiful, messy life.  

My friends, don't let Satan tell you the mess of your masterpiece is by accident. The Maker makes no mistakes. He corrects ours. So let us revel in the beauty of our messy paintings and know that no stroke is misplaced but exactly where it should be. 

Cheers

The Chopping Block

"What are you doing?!?!?"

"What do you think they'd do if they really knew who you are? Wait... Who are you really?" 

"You re tainted goods. Such talk of that love doesn't apply to you."

 "Maybe you do not get the happy ending." 

"If you choose that, you will be wrong." 

"You are too weak to be who they want you to be." 

"You are not worthy of that." 

"Everything you thought you knew, is false."

"You. Are. Alone." 

I started this draft a couple weeks ago and as I began to finish it, asked myself what I wanted to accomplish in what I wrote. Here is the harsh reality. These words above are all lies. Falsehoods. Tainted truth. Misguided thoughts. Worldly definitions. Yet somehow, I found myself believing every word. We, as women, as children, as sisters, as friends, or aunts or mothers or whoever we are, are not always kind to ourselves. We let those lies reign true in our hearts. We have those moments where we actually believe the ugliness. This isn't just specific to women, men fight their own demons, but I, as a woman, want to speak to women. These are my words. My lies. My insecurities and doubts. I am coming out of a rather destructive season in my young adulthood. These words had very specific details to replaced the "this," "thats," and "thems." I found myself in such a self destructive state, I was fighting falsehoods and lies I hadn't heard of since high school. The devil dug real deep this time. No insecurity left unturned. These are specific to me and my walk. I can imagine yours are just as loud sometimes. Just as hurtful and always as harmful. Do you ever get tired of shutting them up? I do. I did. What I found in letting the lies and falsehoods rule my mind and heart was way more work. Mostly because I actually had to do work. As Christians, we know we have a savior who comes to us. He met us down here on this broken earth to prove in one more way, that we need not do anything. If you are like me in this way, you might struggle with that reality. Who am I to be offered such love and pursual? Who would travel to such a broke place to DIE so I could live forever. That seems like a lot of pressure. With a lot of strings attached. Accepting such a gift seems wasted on me somehow. As I search through Christian doctrines, I find myself with so many questions and confusions as to why grace is so abundant for some, but in the shadows for others. I digress on that for now. Back to how important loving women is! 

Since I am in a current cooking frenzy, let me give you a gourmet food analogy. Think of those fancy five star restaraunts where you pay a million bucks for 3 bites of insanely good food.  As women, we re often put on the chopping block. We dice ourselves into sizes and shapes we want to be perceived as or the expectation we think others desire. Then we re expected to be placed beautifully on those stark white plates in perfection and grace. No smudges and clean edges. Often times I feel like as soon as I'm set out there in said perfection, I am taken and placed in front of a 18month old toddler. If you have any and I mean ANY experience with toddlers, you have the exact image in your head I was trying to paint. Disasterous. The comfort in this is regardless of where our little pieces end up; under the table, across the room, in the candles, caked to the chair; God always comes in and cleans us up. Finds every piece and wipes away every smudge. What comfort. What frustration. Why can't we just not be placed in front of the toddler!?! Why can't it be be a civil human being with manners and utensils!? 

So as I struggle to replace harsh lies with truth, I find the prep of becoming a new dish really messy. No ones ever sees the kitchen, just the final product. Don't forget about what it takes to become those dishes of grace and beauty. Remember this when you re frustrated with the cashier at the grocery store, or the maniac lady in the mini van ahead of you, or even those close to you. We can't see everyone's kitchen. Let's be kinder to ourselves and others. My fellow women, know you re not alone. Remember that most of all. Cheers! 

To Care or Not to Care

Okay Pinterest... You are full of life changing quotes, motivation, fashion sense and crazy good food, however this one.... This one I want to tear to shreds. I read this and I got mad. So mad. Okay, I get it. Don't sweat the small stuff, it ll make you unhappy. But really? The less you care, the happier you will be... No. I disagree with that. Not caring leads to complete destruction. Caring has led me into one of my biggest life messes currently, so when I read this it was a joke to me. Yet, my ability to care makes me happy. Caring is a double edged sword. You do get hurt sometimes by caring. And for someone who thrived off of deep rooted pain for 23 years, the chance of getting hurt isn't too scary for me. But I think of not caring, and that's way more fearful. If you don't care, you miss something. You miss the chances, the carpe diems, the growth. The less you care, the more shallow you remain. There is no depth. No roots. Low risk, low gain. Caring is high risk. With high risk, you might not find happiness but maybe... Just maybe you may find Joy. And that my friends is something worth caring about.

I ve been taking a lot of risks lately....Both stupid risks and smart risks. What I found was happiness. But happiness is fleeting. Happiness is temporary. Happiness is the quick fix. About 3 weeks in and I feel my desire for joy returning because the flakiness of being happy is stressful!! 

I stole this from my sister's blog and I hope there are more of these being posted. Joy. Find joy. 

So here.. Let's try this one. 

The MORE you care, the greater depths of happiness you find. 

 

Cheers, friends! 

Be.

The struggle is real, my friends. Ah, but what struggle? Mornings? Routine? Exercise? Life? Faith? Love? Happiness? All of the above and more?? I am lying here in bed as the children snooze silently on our second to last night on our Disney Cruise to the Caribbean. I'll be honest, I was nervous before we left 6 days ago. I have traveled with my nanny family before, but never like this. My first time on a cruise, along with all of us in unfamiliar territory. We were also traveling with three OTHER families besides ours. On a boat. In the middle of the ocean. You can see my hesitation. I knew it d be a great trip, I just didn't know where the great would come from. The great came from the humid air filling my lungs as we landed in Florida on day one. The great came from the sun baking my skin to a crisp because of the clear skies we had every single day. The great came in the taste of salt water going down my nose in the Virgin Islands as I swam in the ocean. The great came in the richest form of food in my belly served by people from all over the world. The great came as I stood on the top deck with the wind blowing so hard my ears rang and there was nothing but water and sky for hundreds of miles. The great really came as I rolled over laughing with my boss while the kids talked a mile a minute when the sugar highs hit their veins. They said some of the most hilarious stuff. Where do they come up with it?? The great came in parading three 4year old princesses around the ship in their ball gowns for all to see. The great came in the form of a raspberry mojito and a conversation with a lovely looking South African bartender. ;) (Am I right?!??) 

I could go on and on about all the amazing greats this trip held for me. Truly, it has been one of the most fun weeks I have had in years. I am so honored my family values me so much to include me in their adventures and life happenings. I was, however, surprised. I was surprised of what I didn't feel. All these amazing things were happening to me and I was seeing such beautiful creations of God, yet... I didn't feel much of anything in that regard. I was overwhelmed by the beauty but not by the maker. And honestly... I think maybe that is ok? I might be off track here, but I think the greatest part of my trip was that I could just... Be. There was no weight of redemption or salvation on my heart or mind. No struggle of being holy in an unholy world. Nothing. I just lived and breathed. I think I got so caught up in the fine tuning of my faith and life back home that I forgot to just be. I do believe in Christ. And I do love Jesus. That's all I needed this past week. I wasn't trying to be a better lover of Jesus or my fellow believers. I wasn't trying to prove to myself or anyone that I have what it takes to fight the good fight. (Which is dumb because it's already been won,but you get my point.) I just believed and it was enough. At first, I was concerned. Why wasn't I feeling this amazing closeness to God as I witness his glory?! Is this a sign of a lack of faith?? Is this a heart issue? I had so many questions and then bam. I just shut it all down. Be. Sometimes.. Just being is enough. And sometimes, it's ok to just let God love you from where you are. Near or far. So don't question your faith or heart if you sometimes find yourself exactly where you re at. I can almost promise you, that's right where you need to be. 

Heart of the Issue: Singlehood

    So I'm suppose to make a list. A list of the qualities I want in a future spouse. I guess they can be negotiable and/or non negotiable. I get to decide what it will look like. You see, the danger in this is my heart. My heart is quite fragile when it comes to feelings about my future husband.
   When I was a little girl, I never dreamed about how I would save lives as a doctor or stand up for the law in court. I never pictured myself behind a desk writing code or standing in front of a classroom teaching addition. When I dreamt of my future I saw myself sitting in a rocking chair soothing a teething baby. I saw myself fixing beautiful meals as my husband walked in from work. I saw myself elbow deep in my garden or planting flowers with my daughter as my mother did with me. These were my dreams. This was what I wanted for my life. And I saw it happening as it did for almost all of my elder siblings. Meet a great guy in high school/college, fall in love, get married and be a wife and mother. My role models have always been my mother and sisters. Each of them were married by my age. I thought it was beautiful and figured my fate would be the same. At least that was my desire. Well high school came and there were not so many great guys, and none came and swept me off my feet. This confused me. Made me feel like it was something I did wrong. Why did I not have the life I so desired and envied? Why was fate not happening for me? It was a battle I fought for years. Even after finding peace in my singlehood, I have to fend off these doubts more often than not. As a Christian, I have found true peace in God's diligence and faithfulness in my future, however that doesn't always take away my wordly skepticism.
     Now would be the best assumed time to make the "list", right? I'm single with no limitations whatsoever on who my husband could be! Here is a catch though. My views of who my husband is and what he means to me is much different now than it was when I was that 14 year old freshman, dreaming of the next four years. This list hits the heart of the issue because that requires me to make a physical reality of my singlehood and the true desires of my heart. Which, all my single ladies can agree, is HARD! When we have to actually admit the struggle of being single it causes us to shine light on that giant insecurity. Don't get me wrong, I'm all about the numerous Hello Giggles articles of "rocking your single 20s" and using this time to "learn to love yourself first." However, I pose a question. What does it look like to embrace the pang of loneliness? As great as it may be to "not have to answer to anyone" or "binge watch all of Friends on Netflix," I still find myself wanting of someone by my side. Let's just embrace the truth of singlehood as being super sucky. Now we can go on to encourage each other in that struggle instead of ignoring it. Let us rise up and embrace it by using our time to love each other more. Use all the energy we would pour into our significant other and put that into one another. Because deep down we know pouring it back into ourselves does nothing. Pouring into other singles who are struggling too allows us to love well. It is entirely too easy to isolate ourselves because it is so much easier than being upfront with the pain. I can speak to the numerous attempts of isolation I have tried. Mercifully, I am in a place where I am surrounded by people who don't allow that. If you are able to isolate yourself, try and step out of that. I know it is hard. So hard. However, being honest and vulnerable with another single can open an opportunity to join forces in the fight!
     So here I sit before you, eyes full of tears, admitting my singlehood as a struggle. It's real. And it's valid. I know I am young. I know I have value. I know there is "someone wonderful" out there for me. I know I could try Internet dating. I know "my time will come." I know all these things. But what I don't know yet is what is on my list. And I think I should figure that out first. Or maybe instead, I should make a list of the qualities I can bring to my marriage. I should make both, actually.  I want to be transparent in this. The life I painted in my head based off my mother and sisters' lives was what I thought I knew. As I matured, I saw that is their stories. Their lives. The ones God has blessed them with. Each is full of their own struggles and hardships that come with the beauty. Mine, although it may look different, is still playing out. And tomorrow, I might post about a boy who showed up "when I was least expecting it." Or maybe it will be in a week, or a year. Whenever he does arrive, I know that he will blow whatever list I make out of the water because he will be mine. And well worth the wait and struggle of singlehood. Until then, rise up my fellow singles! Rise up and know you are valid. You are valued. And you are not alone in the sad days. Don't let those discourage the good ones. Be encouraged that your loneliness does not make you alone. Cheers!

Bullet Points

I don't have enough of one thought to write a whole post but a lot of little thoughts are floating about so here is a bullet point dump! Happy Friday! 

 

  *The furnace in my nanny house broke the other day, right about the time the weather decided to change to a HIGH of -5. IM SO COLD! The poor kids have been in jackets all week and I am moving space heaters around like no ones business trying to keep them warm while they play. 

  *Luke. Tomorrow is year 13, I think? Or is it 12? I can never remember if it was 2002 or 2003. It s been on my heart all week. I decided to really celebrate it this year. Tomorrow's plans include Upstream root beer, spaghetti, strawberry Crepes and some gummis. 

  * The baby is sick AGAIN. Which is just sad and discouraging. This is ear infection número dos in the past month. Tis the season! 

  * I had such an incredible holiday season, however I am so glad to be getting back into a routine! 

  * I read through all my old blogs and ohhhhh my goodness did I learn a few things. Mostly on how Gods persistence has led me to where I stand today but also just how incredible my family is. Especially my sisters. They stuck with and supported me through some pretty rough times! Thank you both for that! 

  * I want for nothing. Praise be to Jesus for such providence and generousity in my life! 

I took my niece, Lydia to see Annie last weekend. It was so much fun! She s really just so funny and sweet. 

I'm thankful for friendships like my niece, Phalen has with my dog, Zara. 

I started 2015 off with these handsome gents and it made me so happy. This photo goes beyond surface as it represents such a deep level of healing and new growth. 

I started reading a book called Desiring God. And well.. It's pretty great so far. 

Well off to pick up the Z man from school. Days go by fast with routine! 

 Cheers, friends! 

One Week In

So here I find myself already a week into my "unsocial year." The first couple days were alarming consumed by my brain mentally checking in on Facebook and Instagram. My phone is now one consolidated screen and I find myself scrolling to the nonexistent other screen anytime I am using it. It's quite annoying. I found myself putting my phone down and walking away in defiance of a device consuming me so much. The biggest difference I have found is I was bored..for the first time in YEARS! Like I sat down and went..well what now? Which led me to pick up a book and in just one week I finished a 500+page book, started a "reading through the bible in a year" plan, began journaling again and just generally found myself in a better mood. Once I lifted my head up and out of the big world, I looked and my small world around me came into focus. And it's a great world, people. I don't think all of these things are tied in directly to social media, but it does speak volumes to my discipline. Which we knew was lacking. It has only increased my drive to simplify my life and enjoy those in front of me. So one week down, 51 to go and 2015 is still looking bright!! I have not regrets and am still claiming this next year to be my best yet! 

The Unsocial Year

Hello peeps,

So for this next season of my life, I have decided to take an "unsocial year." I'll be off all social media for the completion of 2015. I will stay email, blog and Skype accessible. I plan on blogging throughout the year to keep track of how the break may effect my life and general life happenings. If anyone is interested in following, my blog URL is http://theseareafewofmyfavoritethingsgraced.blogspot.com/ I'd love the support and followers!

Please know this has nothing to do with the negative effects of social media or any sort of silliness like that, it's more of a "refresh" button for me. I don't have the discipline to not be checking in on all the lives of my wonderful people! So I am creating an opportunity to train myself in such disciplines. I have also seen an incredible level of intentionality in my life the past two years and I want to take some time to turn that around and see what it looks like to be that intentional myself. I am very much looking forward to seeing how God works in my life the next 365 days and making my world a little smaller. Sometimes a little fine tuning is necessary before the whole can continue on properly. This past year and even more specifically this past fall has been one of the most open, honest, hard, humbling, altering, frustrating, wonderful, and healing seasons of my entire life. I am grateful to be going into this next year fresh off of that roller coaster. I will still be on Facebook until January 1st so between now and then if anyone wants a better way to stay connected, let me know and I will touch base with you. I am a super great pen pal and love having new friends to write! Thanks for loving me so well and I will see you back here in 2016!!

Growing Old

Age is such an intriguing idea to me. There is a saying. "only the good die young." I have a few questions about such a statement. What of those who live a long life? What do you consider long? Or full? 70s? 80s? 100? My brother Luke, died when he was 16. Some would say that is young. Cut short. Ah, but what of my recent Grandma's passing? 94 years in her span. She lived the long life people would say was "full, complete." Growing old is a thing of beauty. A gift. An opportunity many do not get. However it is bittersweet. With old age comes many hardships. Your health peaks and you start to slow down. You are more frail and subject to unbalance and falls. You are more vulnerable towards cancers and other diseases. Does this diminish a persons 'fullness' of said life if they are subject to one of these evils? Sometimes growing old is hard and messy. It can take a toll on families and friends. So the goal is to live a long and fufilled life right? What of the end of your life though? What if the end isn't the "way to go out" you had planned. We think our purpose is to be remembered for greatness. What does it look like to change that focus? Maybe... Just maybe, and bear with me here. Maybe it looks like viewing life as a simple instrument. An instrument in the masterpiece of the earth. When we are no longer needed, we are put away. Sometimes we re only needed for 16 years. Others, 94. Just a thought. 

Life and growing old is hard for me. It's something I have tried to not focus too much on because there isn't a good answer, really. The only conclusion I can draw is it being one more reminder of the brokenness this world possesses. It's poetic almost how beautiful it is to see someone live long to leave a legacy. Yet those who die young also have touched this world. I encourage you in this.

Even if you feel invisible.. Know you are here for a purpose and will not be put away until your job is done. You are not invisible. You are alive and that in itself could be one good reason to keep on breathing. Blessings to all of you today. And Happy Birthday to my big brother, Luke.