Be.

The struggle is real, my friends. Ah, but what struggle? Mornings? Routine? Exercise? Life? Faith? Love? Happiness? All of the above and more?? I am lying here in bed as the children snooze silently on our second to last night on our Disney Cruise to the Caribbean. I'll be honest, I was nervous before we left 6 days ago. I have traveled with my nanny family before, but never like this. My first time on a cruise, along with all of us in unfamiliar territory. We were also traveling with three OTHER families besides ours. On a boat. In the middle of the ocean. You can see my hesitation. I knew it d be a great trip, I just didn't know where the great would come from. The great came from the humid air filling my lungs as we landed in Florida on day one. The great came from the sun baking my skin to a crisp because of the clear skies we had every single day. The great came in the taste of salt water going down my nose in the Virgin Islands as I swam in the ocean. The great came in the richest form of food in my belly served by people from all over the world. The great came as I stood on the top deck with the wind blowing so hard my ears rang and there was nothing but water and sky for hundreds of miles. The great really came as I rolled over laughing with my boss while the kids talked a mile a minute when the sugar highs hit their veins. They said some of the most hilarious stuff. Where do they come up with it?? The great came in parading three 4year old princesses around the ship in their ball gowns for all to see. The great came in the form of a raspberry mojito and a conversation with a lovely looking South African bartender. ;) (Am I right?!??) 

I could go on and on about all the amazing greats this trip held for me. Truly, it has been one of the most fun weeks I have had in years. I am so honored my family values me so much to include me in their adventures and life happenings. I was, however, surprised. I was surprised of what I didn't feel. All these amazing things were happening to me and I was seeing such beautiful creations of God, yet... I didn't feel much of anything in that regard. I was overwhelmed by the beauty but not by the maker. And honestly... I think maybe that is ok? I might be off track here, but I think the greatest part of my trip was that I could just... Be. There was no weight of redemption or salvation on my heart or mind. No struggle of being holy in an unholy world. Nothing. I just lived and breathed. I think I got so caught up in the fine tuning of my faith and life back home that I forgot to just be. I do believe in Christ. And I do love Jesus. That's all I needed this past week. I wasn't trying to be a better lover of Jesus or my fellow believers. I wasn't trying to prove to myself or anyone that I have what it takes to fight the good fight. (Which is dumb because it's already been won,but you get my point.) I just believed and it was enough. At first, I was concerned. Why wasn't I feeling this amazing closeness to God as I witness his glory?! Is this a sign of a lack of faith?? Is this a heart issue? I had so many questions and then bam. I just shut it all down. Be. Sometimes.. Just being is enough. And sometimes, it's ok to just let God love you from where you are. Near or far. So don't question your faith or heart if you sometimes find yourself exactly where you re at. I can almost promise you, that's right where you need to be. 

Heart of the Issue: Singlehood

    So I'm suppose to make a list. A list of the qualities I want in a future spouse. I guess they can be negotiable and/or non negotiable. I get to decide what it will look like. You see, the danger in this is my heart. My heart is quite fragile when it comes to feelings about my future husband.
   When I was a little girl, I never dreamed about how I would save lives as a doctor or stand up for the law in court. I never pictured myself behind a desk writing code or standing in front of a classroom teaching addition. When I dreamt of my future I saw myself sitting in a rocking chair soothing a teething baby. I saw myself fixing beautiful meals as my husband walked in from work. I saw myself elbow deep in my garden or planting flowers with my daughter as my mother did with me. These were my dreams. This was what I wanted for my life. And I saw it happening as it did for almost all of my elder siblings. Meet a great guy in high school/college, fall in love, get married and be a wife and mother. My role models have always been my mother and sisters. Each of them were married by my age. I thought it was beautiful and figured my fate would be the same. At least that was my desire. Well high school came and there were not so many great guys, and none came and swept me off my feet. This confused me. Made me feel like it was something I did wrong. Why did I not have the life I so desired and envied? Why was fate not happening for me? It was a battle I fought for years. Even after finding peace in my singlehood, I have to fend off these doubts more often than not. As a Christian, I have found true peace in God's diligence and faithfulness in my future, however that doesn't always take away my wordly skepticism.
     Now would be the best assumed time to make the "list", right? I'm single with no limitations whatsoever on who my husband could be! Here is a catch though. My views of who my husband is and what he means to me is much different now than it was when I was that 14 year old freshman, dreaming of the next four years. This list hits the heart of the issue because that requires me to make a physical reality of my singlehood and the true desires of my heart. Which, all my single ladies can agree, is HARD! When we have to actually admit the struggle of being single it causes us to shine light on that giant insecurity. Don't get me wrong, I'm all about the numerous Hello Giggles articles of "rocking your single 20s" and using this time to "learn to love yourself first." However, I pose a question. What does it look like to embrace the pang of loneliness? As great as it may be to "not have to answer to anyone" or "binge watch all of Friends on Netflix," I still find myself wanting of someone by my side. Let's just embrace the truth of singlehood as being super sucky. Now we can go on to encourage each other in that struggle instead of ignoring it. Let us rise up and embrace it by using our time to love each other more. Use all the energy we would pour into our significant other and put that into one another. Because deep down we know pouring it back into ourselves does nothing. Pouring into other singles who are struggling too allows us to love well. It is entirely too easy to isolate ourselves because it is so much easier than being upfront with the pain. I can speak to the numerous attempts of isolation I have tried. Mercifully, I am in a place where I am surrounded by people who don't allow that. If you are able to isolate yourself, try and step out of that. I know it is hard. So hard. However, being honest and vulnerable with another single can open an opportunity to join forces in the fight!
     So here I sit before you, eyes full of tears, admitting my singlehood as a struggle. It's real. And it's valid. I know I am young. I know I have value. I know there is "someone wonderful" out there for me. I know I could try Internet dating. I know "my time will come." I know all these things. But what I don't know yet is what is on my list. And I think I should figure that out first. Or maybe instead, I should make a list of the qualities I can bring to my marriage. I should make both, actually.  I want to be transparent in this. The life I painted in my head based off my mother and sisters' lives was what I thought I knew. As I matured, I saw that is their stories. Their lives. The ones God has blessed them with. Each is full of their own struggles and hardships that come with the beauty. Mine, although it may look different, is still playing out. And tomorrow, I might post about a boy who showed up "when I was least expecting it." Or maybe it will be in a week, or a year. Whenever he does arrive, I know that he will blow whatever list I make out of the water because he will be mine. And well worth the wait and struggle of singlehood. Until then, rise up my fellow singles! Rise up and know you are valid. You are valued. And you are not alone in the sad days. Don't let those discourage the good ones. Be encouraged that your loneliness does not make you alone. Cheers!

Bullet Points

I don't have enough of one thought to write a whole post but a lot of little thoughts are floating about so here is a bullet point dump! Happy Friday! 

 

  *The furnace in my nanny house broke the other day, right about the time the weather decided to change to a HIGH of -5. IM SO COLD! The poor kids have been in jackets all week and I am moving space heaters around like no ones business trying to keep them warm while they play. 

  *Luke. Tomorrow is year 13, I think? Or is it 12? I can never remember if it was 2002 or 2003. It s been on my heart all week. I decided to really celebrate it this year. Tomorrow's plans include Upstream root beer, spaghetti, strawberry Crepes and some gummis. 

  * The baby is sick AGAIN. Which is just sad and discouraging. This is ear infection número dos in the past month. Tis the season! 

  * I had such an incredible holiday season, however I am so glad to be getting back into a routine! 

  * I read through all my old blogs and ohhhhh my goodness did I learn a few things. Mostly on how Gods persistence has led me to where I stand today but also just how incredible my family is. Especially my sisters. They stuck with and supported me through some pretty rough times! Thank you both for that! 

  * I want for nothing. Praise be to Jesus for such providence and generousity in my life! 

I took my niece, Lydia to see Annie last weekend. It was so much fun! She s really just so funny and sweet. 

I'm thankful for friendships like my niece, Phalen has with my dog, Zara. 

I started 2015 off with these handsome gents and it made me so happy. This photo goes beyond surface as it represents such a deep level of healing and new growth. 

I started reading a book called Desiring God. And well.. It's pretty great so far. 

Well off to pick up the Z man from school. Days go by fast with routine! 

 Cheers, friends! 

One Week In

So here I find myself already a week into my "unsocial year." The first couple days were alarming consumed by my brain mentally checking in on Facebook and Instagram. My phone is now one consolidated screen and I find myself scrolling to the nonexistent other screen anytime I am using it. It's quite annoying. I found myself putting my phone down and walking away in defiance of a device consuming me so much. The biggest difference I have found is I was bored..for the first time in YEARS! Like I sat down and went..well what now? Which led me to pick up a book and in just one week I finished a 500+page book, started a "reading through the bible in a year" plan, began journaling again and just generally found myself in a better mood. Once I lifted my head up and out of the big world, I looked and my small world around me came into focus. And it's a great world, people. I don't think all of these things are tied in directly to social media, but it does speak volumes to my discipline. Which we knew was lacking. It has only increased my drive to simplify my life and enjoy those in front of me. So one week down, 51 to go and 2015 is still looking bright!! I have not regrets and am still claiming this next year to be my best yet! 

The Unsocial Year

Hello peeps,

So for this next season of my life, I have decided to take an "unsocial year." I'll be off all social media for the completion of 2015. I will stay email, blog and Skype accessible. I plan on blogging throughout the year to keep track of how the break may effect my life and general life happenings. If anyone is interested in following, my blog URL is http://theseareafewofmyfavoritethingsgraced.blogspot.com/ I'd love the support and followers!

Please know this has nothing to do with the negative effects of social media or any sort of silliness like that, it's more of a "refresh" button for me. I don't have the discipline to not be checking in on all the lives of my wonderful people! So I am creating an opportunity to train myself in such disciplines. I have also seen an incredible level of intentionality in my life the past two years and I want to take some time to turn that around and see what it looks like to be that intentional myself. I am very much looking forward to seeing how God works in my life the next 365 days and making my world a little smaller. Sometimes a little fine tuning is necessary before the whole can continue on properly. This past year and even more specifically this past fall has been one of the most open, honest, hard, humbling, altering, frustrating, wonderful, and healing seasons of my entire life. I am grateful to be going into this next year fresh off of that roller coaster. I will still be on Facebook until January 1st so between now and then if anyone wants a better way to stay connected, let me know and I will touch base with you. I am a super great pen pal and love having new friends to write! Thanks for loving me so well and I will see you back here in 2016!!

Growing Old

Age is such an intriguing idea to me. There is a saying. "only the good die young." I have a few questions about such a statement. What of those who live a long life? What do you consider long? Or full? 70s? 80s? 100? My brother Luke, died when he was 16. Some would say that is young. Cut short. Ah, but what of my recent Grandma's passing? 94 years in her span. She lived the long life people would say was "full, complete." Growing old is a thing of beauty. A gift. An opportunity many do not get. However it is bittersweet. With old age comes many hardships. Your health peaks and you start to slow down. You are more frail and subject to unbalance and falls. You are more vulnerable towards cancers and other diseases. Does this diminish a persons 'fullness' of said life if they are subject to one of these evils? Sometimes growing old is hard and messy. It can take a toll on families and friends. So the goal is to live a long and fufilled life right? What of the end of your life though? What if the end isn't the "way to go out" you had planned. We think our purpose is to be remembered for greatness. What does it look like to change that focus? Maybe... Just maybe, and bear with me here. Maybe it looks like viewing life as a simple instrument. An instrument in the masterpiece of the earth. When we are no longer needed, we are put away. Sometimes we re only needed for 16 years. Others, 94. Just a thought. 

Life and growing old is hard for me. It's something I have tried to not focus too much on because there isn't a good answer, really. The only conclusion I can draw is it being one more reminder of the brokenness this world possesses. It's poetic almost how beautiful it is to see someone live long to leave a legacy. Yet those who die young also have touched this world. I encourage you in this.

Even if you feel invisible.. Know you are here for a purpose and will not be put away until your job is done. You are not invisible. You are alive and that in itself could be one good reason to keep on breathing. Blessings to all of you today. And Happy Birthday to my big brother, Luke. 

Riding The Roller Coaster

Up, down, left, right, left, down, right, left, up, left, right, down, up. That about sums up how the month of October was for me. Let me just say. GOOD RIDDANCE! Be gone. I am done with you. HELLLLLLLOOOOOO NOVEMBER!!!!!!!!!!
Let me just say the last couple days of October allowed me to peacefully move on to November. Here are only a few reasons why.

This is them. The result of two people who managed to scrap together some genetics. I'd say they did alright, my parents. We are bounded by a lot, my siblings and I. There have been some times we've needed to all step up and press on. And we did. Every time. They really helped me to step up in October when all I wanted to do was lay curled up on the ground. I owe them so much.

These two. Honestly, Matt's face alone is a reason to be his friend, but they have a few other qualities that make me love them so. The love they share is something special. It is real and they don't hide behind an image of perfection. They take life as it comes and are a great example of the neverending limits of ministry. They have been another stable block in my life the past year and I am so grateful for them. God decided it was time to make them parents (they're a little excited, can't you tell?) and it is one of His better decisions if you ask me.

These two. Who would have guessed a barista and a fellow loyal(loyal,obsessed,slightly entitled, its all the same right?) customer could become two of my dear friends? They are such strong examples of what it takes to be a Christian woman in this broken world. I am so excited to dive into each other more and grow as kindred spirits.

This one just makes me happy.

 

                                                Photo cred to Julianne. 

And last but of course not least, my 100%. Thank you.