As my fingers rapidly hit 'send' and reread the above statement, I began to cry. My tears fell for all those moments flashing in my head where people told me I was too much. To stop being so dramatic. To not have so many feelings. That my personality was a blessing and a curse. That the best parts about me were also the reasons they didn't want to spend time with me anymore. Its stinging reality came with a wave of relief though. That message was sent to my boyfriend, who God bless him, somehow keeps telling me I'm not too much. That my low points are valid and normal to my life experiences.
As I stepped away from my life of secrets and silence, I learned to avoid certain triggers and habits that allow me to live a pretty balanced life. This week... I have been terrible at avoiding them. Its almost as if I embraced them. So now here I find myself, writing this blog on 4 hours of sleep the past 48 hours. However, here we are. And I have thoughts.. and many feelings.
I can honestly say...I don't think my life has ever been so full and happy. I truly mean that. I am in an amazing life season and am so incredibly blessed to be surrounded and loved by some of the best people. That being said, I found myself quite sad today. Sad for how quickly life changed to get to this full and happy place. For how many relationships I lost all at once earlier this year. For the habits and changes I made. For the selective ways I now avoid areas of life so I don't end up on my bedroom floor in a panic again. I don't want to be this way. I don't want to have these issues with anxiety. I don't want to feel like a flakey friend all the time. I don't want to tell someone "its okay" when I am screaming at the top of my lungs on the inside that it is not. That I get so freaking angry and hurt sometimes. But feel as if I can't go and tell that person because it will come back to me reacting to all my feelings. So how can I find the balance? How do I confront conflict without inflicting myself as a victim to my circumstances?
This is what I know. In the happiest days of my life, there is still brokenness. For every mountain I conquer, I have 12 more to climb. For every bad day, there is a new one coming. For every great day, there are still bruises. This life is messy. And real. And it is mine. So screaming from the top of my little inner voice mountain, "I am scared. I am too much. I am tolerated. But I am also fearlessly confident in knowing I am enough. I am loved. And I am sought after.
Lord, give me courage in my days of being disheartened. Don't let my heart harden in the process of healing. Fill my scars with love and not malice. Remind me even you wept for the world's brokenness. Equip me with the balance needed to fulfill my daily requirements on this earth. Never let me stray from knowing you want only good for me. And that I was chosen to live this life.
