Multiple Accounts

I realized today that I have multiple accounts for almost every social media profile. Why is this? Am I the only one who wants a piece away from all those people who already have so much of me? I started a foodie Instagram account about a month ago and I LOVE IT! I feel like it is a special place for all the things I truly love outside of my day to day grind. I have the greatest job. I get to work with three incredible tiny humans and I post pictures of them constantly on my first account. But my new account for some reason, I want to be void of that specific hat I wear. Is it an identity crisis? It could be. I sometimes have to go home and remind myself I am a single, 24 year old woman who has lots of freedom and love left to give the world. It's really easy to sink into this hole of being the single caretaker of 3 kids who suck me dry of everything I have. That I can only come home and sit in front of the TV and live vicariously through the life of characters. 

Those are lies.. And some days I believe them. Today isn't one of those days though. Today I believe in my ability to work 14 hours, go home, love on my dog, read a good book and have a conversation with my roomies. Or grab a drink with a friend after a long day. Or find a food truck for late night street fries. Because I live in this world. I can wear many hats and love many things. I have no identity outside of Christ, which frees me to identify with what I wish. So here are a few of my favorite things this week.

My dog who I feel like I never have time for and loves me anyways 

I wasn't kidding about those street fries. Thank you, Local Motive! 

My Crossfit gym lets me bring my dog inside while I workout. They re so great. I love my gym. 

My niece did my hair and make up one weekend and I felt like a million bucks! My short hair allows me to do lots of fun retro do's. 

I once went to a music festival and flirted my way into free beer because I sometimes open my mouth and say funny and clever words. 

It is unknown to me, even now, why I love men and bears so much... Large, hairy creatures. It's weird. No, I'm serious.. Look at my phone case... 

My 14 year old niece once designed me a chest tattoo and to this day, think it's super rad and would love to get it one day. She is so awesome. 

Ok.. One more. 

Cheers!! 

Process Complete

Well, I made a good run for it but all good things must end at some point. I didn't make it a whole year of my sabbatical from all social media, but the 8 months I did take were well worth the time off. One tattoo, over a foot of hair gone, one cruise taken, three weddings, a week in the mountains and many tears shed, here I am a little ways further down the road. To play catch up, a couple photos for each month gone. 

January 

I said goodbye to the world at my fingertips. I read like 5 books this first month as I weaned myself off of the media world. It was really freeing to not feel like I HAD to be in contact with everyone. I didn't really document anything that first month as part of my cleanse. 

February

  I went on a cruise and got a great winter tan! It was glorious and I fell in love with my job all over again. 

Nothing like being sunburned in Feburary. 

March

 

I got my first tattoo. My favorite person happened to be my Grandma. We had written hundreds of letters back and forth since I left home 6 years ago. This was taken from one she wrote me last fall. "'Hello-Bye-Love" It was too good and captured her distinct handwriting perfectly. I had plans to get it done before she passed away and even told her about it. Sadly, she died in October. I finally got it done in March. It's one of my favorite pieces of my body now. 

I found this gem when I went back home last week. I had never seen it before. Man, I miss her...

April

  I moved into a house with these two beauts. I couldn't be more blessed or excited to have them in my corner as I continue to tackle life. Even if they make me watch the Bachelorette with them... 

May

 My dear friends Bryan and Glenna got married and I was so honored to be a part of their special day.

 I turned 24, which makes me feel like I just might be a grown up one of these days. Oh and I decided it was time to chop 14inches off my hair! 

A real weight off my shoulders. I seem to hold my head up just a little higher. 

June 

  Oh Colorado. How perfect this trip was. After a tough first part of the year, this halfway mark made it all seem worth it. My two dear friends got married in Evergreen and all the heavens rejoiced at such a union. 

This was my favorite picture. The background is stunning but it so perfectly shows off my tattoo and I can recognize my Grandma's handwriting from here. :)

 

July

  Babies babies babies!  

I finally spent some good time here in my Homaha. I did take a day trip to FINALLY meet baby O'Mealey. That boy stole my heart the moment I saw him asleep in his daddy's arms. 

Then there is sweet baby Harper. I randomly ran into my friend Jaimie at Target and was so happy to finally catch up! Look at that chubby face! I could love it forever! Backstrom baby #2 is on its way too and I'm so thrilled! 

We took a roommate trip down to my parents in Missouri. 

We are still recovering and shedding the pounds from the amount of food consumed. #mommamadefriedchicken

And so tomorrow starts August which is full of end of summer activities and somehow, school?!??? The older two will keep plenty busy so not so little handsome man and I will have lots of one on one time. 

I'm really excited about what everything this fall has in store. Stay tuned!  Cheers, my friends! 

The Masterpiece

I have a beautiful life. The type of beauty that is a little abstract. Messy. 

If my life were a painting, it might first confuse you when you look at and and cause you to think something like "how could this be a masterpiece?" "Is the artist crazy? This isn't beautiful." Ah, but just when like me, you re about to walk away, something catches your eye. "That's kind of a cool glob of paint. I'm sure it was an accident. Together it's a total mess but that one little area is pretty neat. Well there that corner piece too. And the one in the middle. Wait a tic... This is actually kind of interesting.. It kind of tells a story.."

That is some of the commentary I have had in my head lately. My life is so messy, but ah, how it is beautiful mess. And it is definitely not by accident. Each stroke of the brush in the painting of my life is strategic. The Artist has chosen each color, each brush size and every shape with great detail. Sometimes I stand there behind His shoulder questioning each stroke. I am always silenced by a quite, "I'm not finished with you yet." I get impatient. I don't want to wait and watch. I just want to see it finished. See it's beauty in completion. I often forget the true beauty of the painting is watching it come together. My church is preaching through the Psalms of Ascent this summer. Appropriate. It has caused me to realize I should stop hovering and just take in each stroke the Maker is putting into my beautiful, messy life.  

My friends, don't let Satan tell you the mess of your masterpiece is by accident. The Maker makes no mistakes. He corrects ours. So let us revel in the beauty of our messy paintings and know that no stroke is misplaced but exactly where it should be. 

Cheers

The Chopping Block

"What are you doing?!?!?"

"What do you think they'd do if they really knew who you are? Wait... Who are you really?" 

"You re tainted goods. Such talk of that love doesn't apply to you."

 "Maybe you do not get the happy ending." 

"If you choose that, you will be wrong." 

"You are too weak to be who they want you to be." 

"You are not worthy of that." 

"Everything you thought you knew, is false."

"You. Are. Alone." 

I started this draft a couple weeks ago and as I began to finish it, asked myself what I wanted to accomplish in what I wrote. Here is the harsh reality. These words above are all lies. Falsehoods. Tainted truth. Misguided thoughts. Worldly definitions. Yet somehow, I found myself believing every word. We, as women, as children, as sisters, as friends, or aunts or mothers or whoever we are, are not always kind to ourselves. We let those lies reign true in our hearts. We have those moments where we actually believe the ugliness. This isn't just specific to women, men fight their own demons, but I, as a woman, want to speak to women. These are my words. My lies. My insecurities and doubts. I am coming out of a rather destructive season in my young adulthood. These words had very specific details to replaced the "this," "thats," and "thems." I found myself in such a self destructive state, I was fighting falsehoods and lies I hadn't heard of since high school. The devil dug real deep this time. No insecurity left unturned. These are specific to me and my walk. I can imagine yours are just as loud sometimes. Just as hurtful and always as harmful. Do you ever get tired of shutting them up? I do. I did. What I found in letting the lies and falsehoods rule my mind and heart was way more work. Mostly because I actually had to do work. As Christians, we know we have a savior who comes to us. He met us down here on this broken earth to prove in one more way, that we need not do anything. If you are like me in this way, you might struggle with that reality. Who am I to be offered such love and pursual? Who would travel to such a broke place to DIE so I could live forever. That seems like a lot of pressure. With a lot of strings attached. Accepting such a gift seems wasted on me somehow. As I search through Christian doctrines, I find myself with so many questions and confusions as to why grace is so abundant for some, but in the shadows for others. I digress on that for now. Back to how important loving women is! 

Since I am in a current cooking frenzy, let me give you a gourmet food analogy. Think of those fancy five star restaraunts where you pay a million bucks for 3 bites of insanely good food.  As women, we re often put on the chopping block. We dice ourselves into sizes and shapes we want to be perceived as or the expectation we think others desire. Then we re expected to be placed beautifully on those stark white plates in perfection and grace. No smudges and clean edges. Often times I feel like as soon as I'm set out there in said perfection, I am taken and placed in front of a 18month old toddler. If you have any and I mean ANY experience with toddlers, you have the exact image in your head I was trying to paint. Disasterous. The comfort in this is regardless of where our little pieces end up; under the table, across the room, in the candles, caked to the chair; God always comes in and cleans us up. Finds every piece and wipes away every smudge. What comfort. What frustration. Why can't we just not be placed in front of the toddler!?! Why can't it be be a civil human being with manners and utensils!? 

So as I struggle to replace harsh lies with truth, I find the prep of becoming a new dish really messy. No ones ever sees the kitchen, just the final product. Don't forget about what it takes to become those dishes of grace and beauty. Remember this when you re frustrated with the cashier at the grocery store, or the maniac lady in the mini van ahead of you, or even those close to you. We can't see everyone's kitchen. Let's be kinder to ourselves and others. My fellow women, know you re not alone. Remember that most of all. Cheers! 

To Care or Not to Care

Okay Pinterest... You are full of life changing quotes, motivation, fashion sense and crazy good food, however this one.... This one I want to tear to shreds. I read this and I got mad. So mad. Okay, I get it. Don't sweat the small stuff, it ll make you unhappy. But really? The less you care, the happier you will be... No. I disagree with that. Not caring leads to complete destruction. Caring has led me into one of my biggest life messes currently, so when I read this it was a joke to me. Yet, my ability to care makes me happy. Caring is a double edged sword. You do get hurt sometimes by caring. And for someone who thrived off of deep rooted pain for 23 years, the chance of getting hurt isn't too scary for me. But I think of not caring, and that's way more fearful. If you don't care, you miss something. You miss the chances, the carpe diems, the growth. The less you care, the more shallow you remain. There is no depth. No roots. Low risk, low gain. Caring is high risk. With high risk, you might not find happiness but maybe... Just maybe you may find Joy. And that my friends is something worth caring about.

I ve been taking a lot of risks lately....Both stupid risks and smart risks. What I found was happiness. But happiness is fleeting. Happiness is temporary. Happiness is the quick fix. About 3 weeks in and I feel my desire for joy returning because the flakiness of being happy is stressful!! 

I stole this from my sister's blog and I hope there are more of these being posted. Joy. Find joy. 

So here.. Let's try this one. 

The MORE you care, the greater depths of happiness you find. 

 

Cheers, friends! 

Be.

The struggle is real, my friends. Ah, but what struggle? Mornings? Routine? Exercise? Life? Faith? Love? Happiness? All of the above and more?? I am lying here in bed as the children snooze silently on our second to last night on our Disney Cruise to the Caribbean. I'll be honest, I was nervous before we left 6 days ago. I have traveled with my nanny family before, but never like this. My first time on a cruise, along with all of us in unfamiliar territory. We were also traveling with three OTHER families besides ours. On a boat. In the middle of the ocean. You can see my hesitation. I knew it d be a great trip, I just didn't know where the great would come from. The great came from the humid air filling my lungs as we landed in Florida on day one. The great came from the sun baking my skin to a crisp because of the clear skies we had every single day. The great came in the taste of salt water going down my nose in the Virgin Islands as I swam in the ocean. The great came in the richest form of food in my belly served by people from all over the world. The great came as I stood on the top deck with the wind blowing so hard my ears rang and there was nothing but water and sky for hundreds of miles. The great really came as I rolled over laughing with my boss while the kids talked a mile a minute when the sugar highs hit their veins. They said some of the most hilarious stuff. Where do they come up with it?? The great came in parading three 4year old princesses around the ship in their ball gowns for all to see. The great came in the form of a raspberry mojito and a conversation with a lovely looking South African bartender. ;) (Am I right?!??) 

I could go on and on about all the amazing greats this trip held for me. Truly, it has been one of the most fun weeks I have had in years. I am so honored my family values me so much to include me in their adventures and life happenings. I was, however, surprised. I was surprised of what I didn't feel. All these amazing things were happening to me and I was seeing such beautiful creations of God, yet... I didn't feel much of anything in that regard. I was overwhelmed by the beauty but not by the maker. And honestly... I think maybe that is ok? I might be off track here, but I think the greatest part of my trip was that I could just... Be. There was no weight of redemption or salvation on my heart or mind. No struggle of being holy in an unholy world. Nothing. I just lived and breathed. I think I got so caught up in the fine tuning of my faith and life back home that I forgot to just be. I do believe in Christ. And I do love Jesus. That's all I needed this past week. I wasn't trying to be a better lover of Jesus or my fellow believers. I wasn't trying to prove to myself or anyone that I have what it takes to fight the good fight. (Which is dumb because it's already been won,but you get my point.) I just believed and it was enough. At first, I was concerned. Why wasn't I feeling this amazing closeness to God as I witness his glory?! Is this a sign of a lack of faith?? Is this a heart issue? I had so many questions and then bam. I just shut it all down. Be. Sometimes.. Just being is enough. And sometimes, it's ok to just let God love you from where you are. Near or far. So don't question your faith or heart if you sometimes find yourself exactly where you re at. I can almost promise you, that's right where you need to be. 

Heart of the Issue: Singlehood

    So I'm suppose to make a list. A list of the qualities I want in a future spouse. I guess they can be negotiable and/or non negotiable. I get to decide what it will look like. You see, the danger in this is my heart. My heart is quite fragile when it comes to feelings about my future husband.
   When I was a little girl, I never dreamed about how I would save lives as a doctor or stand up for the law in court. I never pictured myself behind a desk writing code or standing in front of a classroom teaching addition. When I dreamt of my future I saw myself sitting in a rocking chair soothing a teething baby. I saw myself fixing beautiful meals as my husband walked in from work. I saw myself elbow deep in my garden or planting flowers with my daughter as my mother did with me. These were my dreams. This was what I wanted for my life. And I saw it happening as it did for almost all of my elder siblings. Meet a great guy in high school/college, fall in love, get married and be a wife and mother. My role models have always been my mother and sisters. Each of them were married by my age. I thought it was beautiful and figured my fate would be the same. At least that was my desire. Well high school came and there were not so many great guys, and none came and swept me off my feet. This confused me. Made me feel like it was something I did wrong. Why did I not have the life I so desired and envied? Why was fate not happening for me? It was a battle I fought for years. Even after finding peace in my singlehood, I have to fend off these doubts more often than not. As a Christian, I have found true peace in God's diligence and faithfulness in my future, however that doesn't always take away my wordly skepticism.
     Now would be the best assumed time to make the "list", right? I'm single with no limitations whatsoever on who my husband could be! Here is a catch though. My views of who my husband is and what he means to me is much different now than it was when I was that 14 year old freshman, dreaming of the next four years. This list hits the heart of the issue because that requires me to make a physical reality of my singlehood and the true desires of my heart. Which, all my single ladies can agree, is HARD! When we have to actually admit the struggle of being single it causes us to shine light on that giant insecurity. Don't get me wrong, I'm all about the numerous Hello Giggles articles of "rocking your single 20s" and using this time to "learn to love yourself first." However, I pose a question. What does it look like to embrace the pang of loneliness? As great as it may be to "not have to answer to anyone" or "binge watch all of Friends on Netflix," I still find myself wanting of someone by my side. Let's just embrace the truth of singlehood as being super sucky. Now we can go on to encourage each other in that struggle instead of ignoring it. Let us rise up and embrace it by using our time to love each other more. Use all the energy we would pour into our significant other and put that into one another. Because deep down we know pouring it back into ourselves does nothing. Pouring into other singles who are struggling too allows us to love well. It is entirely too easy to isolate ourselves because it is so much easier than being upfront with the pain. I can speak to the numerous attempts of isolation I have tried. Mercifully, I am in a place where I am surrounded by people who don't allow that. If you are able to isolate yourself, try and step out of that. I know it is hard. So hard. However, being honest and vulnerable with another single can open an opportunity to join forces in the fight!
     So here I sit before you, eyes full of tears, admitting my singlehood as a struggle. It's real. And it's valid. I know I am young. I know I have value. I know there is "someone wonderful" out there for me. I know I could try Internet dating. I know "my time will come." I know all these things. But what I don't know yet is what is on my list. And I think I should figure that out first. Or maybe instead, I should make a list of the qualities I can bring to my marriage. I should make both, actually.  I want to be transparent in this. The life I painted in my head based off my mother and sisters' lives was what I thought I knew. As I matured, I saw that is their stories. Their lives. The ones God has blessed them with. Each is full of their own struggles and hardships that come with the beauty. Mine, although it may look different, is still playing out. And tomorrow, I might post about a boy who showed up "when I was least expecting it." Or maybe it will be in a week, or a year. Whenever he does arrive, I know that he will blow whatever list I make out of the water because he will be mine. And well worth the wait and struggle of singlehood. Until then, rise up my fellow singles! Rise up and know you are valid. You are valued. And you are not alone in the sad days. Don't let those discourage the good ones. Be encouraged that your loneliness does not make you alone. Cheers!

Bullet Points

I don't have enough of one thought to write a whole post but a lot of little thoughts are floating about so here is a bullet point dump! Happy Friday! 

 

  *The furnace in my nanny house broke the other day, right about the time the weather decided to change to a HIGH of -5. IM SO COLD! The poor kids have been in jackets all week and I am moving space heaters around like no ones business trying to keep them warm while they play. 

  *Luke. Tomorrow is year 13, I think? Or is it 12? I can never remember if it was 2002 or 2003. It s been on my heart all week. I decided to really celebrate it this year. Tomorrow's plans include Upstream root beer, spaghetti, strawberry Crepes and some gummis. 

  * The baby is sick AGAIN. Which is just sad and discouraging. This is ear infection número dos in the past month. Tis the season! 

  * I had such an incredible holiday season, however I am so glad to be getting back into a routine! 

  * I read through all my old blogs and ohhhhh my goodness did I learn a few things. Mostly on how Gods persistence has led me to where I stand today but also just how incredible my family is. Especially my sisters. They stuck with and supported me through some pretty rough times! Thank you both for that! 

  * I want for nothing. Praise be to Jesus for such providence and generousity in my life! 

I took my niece, Lydia to see Annie last weekend. It was so much fun! She s really just so funny and sweet. 

I'm thankful for friendships like my niece, Phalen has with my dog, Zara. 

I started 2015 off with these handsome gents and it made me so happy. This photo goes beyond surface as it represents such a deep level of healing and new growth. 

I started reading a book called Desiring God. And well.. It's pretty great so far. 

Well off to pick up the Z man from school. Days go by fast with routine! 

 Cheers, friends! 

One Week In

So here I find myself already a week into my "unsocial year." The first couple days were alarming consumed by my brain mentally checking in on Facebook and Instagram. My phone is now one consolidated screen and I find myself scrolling to the nonexistent other screen anytime I am using it. It's quite annoying. I found myself putting my phone down and walking away in defiance of a device consuming me so much. The biggest difference I have found is I was bored..for the first time in YEARS! Like I sat down and went..well what now? Which led me to pick up a book and in just one week I finished a 500+page book, started a "reading through the bible in a year" plan, began journaling again and just generally found myself in a better mood. Once I lifted my head up and out of the big world, I looked and my small world around me came into focus. And it's a great world, people. I don't think all of these things are tied in directly to social media, but it does speak volumes to my discipline. Which we knew was lacking. It has only increased my drive to simplify my life and enjoy those in front of me. So one week down, 51 to go and 2015 is still looking bright!! I have not regrets and am still claiming this next year to be my best yet!