I know/I feel

Oof. This one hurts just talking about.

How many times have you said the following? "I know....but I feel..." I feel like the last few fights I have been in, ended in me saying, 'I know the following to be true but I just feel like...' It is amazing to me how the brain can comprehend such rational thoughts while simultaneously feeling the most irrational emotions. I talk myself off that ledge multiple times a day. I constantly was told as a child that I had too many feelings and would always 'make mountains out of molehills.' Which is a hilarious saying that no one says anymore, except it did a lot of damage to my big little girl heart. I felt like me having all these feelings was a negative thing and no one ever told me how to fix it, they just told me I had them and it was too much. Like anything else, you hear the same thing enough, it becomes a part of your identity. For many years, I lived in the falsehood of being too much and having too many feelings. As I came out of that, I remember the intention I would use when talking. "I KNOW that this is the logical reason but I am FEELing like this to be true." I somehow felt like if I was able to show people I knew the difference between cognitive thought and reckless emotions, that it would somehow make them thing I was more of a manageable human. What came from it was a really great way to communicate all my feelings. Disperse them into boxes and help me separate out what was a reactive emotion versus a hurtful one. This language allowed me to sit down and have some of the hardest conversations of my life thus far. Ones that came with both words and emotions. Ones that led to healing, more hurt and emotions that just needed to be felt. When we find a voice for our emotions, we become damn near unstoppable. I turned that tap on full blast and became a little too good at it for a few years there. I was just all out there, all the time. It was where I needed to be at the time, but any of you reading this who were by my side during that season know 'abrasive' barely begins to cover it.

As a child, we are taught to speak but never really taught how to feel. A child throws a temper tantrum because they don't have the words to explain their feelings. And 7/10 times they end up getting in trouble for it. So we send them to time out. For their feelings. Until they can gather the few words they do have to explain why they acted in such a way. We don't teach our children the other language of being a human. Once they can talk, we throw vocabulary words at them, but never show them how to use those to speak. Or give them space to speak them. What if we taught a child the word 'anger' as one of their first words? And they knew to call that emotion what it is as soon as it arises. And then we teach them 'happy' as we tickle away the anger? They are much more resilient as wee ones than us jaded adults.

I guess what I am saying is take what you 'know' and start talking about what you 'feel.' Your feelings are real. All of them. The good ones, the bad ones, the really really hard ones. Our ugliest feels are those with the tightest grip. If we can find words for them, they lose all their power. It is part of the lies we were taught. Words are hard. It takes practice. When you say them wrong, don't get stuck on what was wrong, find the right way to say it. You can't change what comes out, but you can correct it. How many times do writers edit their papers to form the perfect sentences? I think that is why I am such a huge advocate for grace upon grace(yes, its my name). We mess it up. Every day. In what we say, in what we do, in how we feel, in the narrative we tell ourselves. But we get another try. To practice once more at trying to 'know' what we 'feel'. I know I don't have it all figured out yet..trust me. I am still pretty terrible at it most days..ask my H.O.H(official term for my boyfriend in all future posts.). He above anyone else knows just how wrapped up I can get in the know vs feel debacle. And I am incredibly lucky to have found someone who doesn't just quit on me when I get it wrong. On days where there is no words and only feels, I recommend the full fetal position with City and Colour on in the back round. Some days that is the only way.

Cheers Favorites, you are doing just fine. As am I.

Quitting The Pursuit of Happiness

Dear Favorite Things, its been awhile.
I stopped writing. Or at least I thought I had until I hopped back on here and saw how many drafts I started and never finished. I think I lost my voice among the internet's rage. Everyone posts their thoughts, opinions and feelings on every forum possible. Everyone screaming to be heard.  It made me feel like I should quiet my own thoughts. But, I am going to try and find that voice again. I have a piece about self love brewing... We'll see how that one translates on a keyboard. In the meantime...I found this one I wrote sometime last year. It still echoes in my heart. Every word. Cheers!

:: Most of my life has been spent searching for the next thing. I would go through my days and tell myself if I can just make it to the next phase, then I will be happy. Or then I will be able to shake that feeling of fear in the pit of my stomach. Honestly, it started way back even before high school. I remember thinking if I could just get to the next year or the next sports season. Always looking forward, hoping for something different. Searching for that moment it all clicked and I found happiness. Its the goal right? The pursuit of happiness. I was in the frame of mind that if I could just find a way to be happy, life would be simpler. What did I think would make me happy? For awhile it was if I just found a great guy, it d all work out and I would begin my life. Then it was, no guy but a great job, would accomplish what heartbreak did not. Nope. Money didn't make me happy either. What about comfort? Being around family and friends would have to give me what the world could not. Still nope. So I came to Omaha, Nebraska. Originally it was suppose to be for 6 months. I had a job lined up in Ireland in the fall of 2014. Surely traveling as a nanny was it. That was my purpose and where it was all going to fall into place. Could it get better than that?!! When that fell through, I was disappointing but I found the most ideal nanny family in Omaha. All aboard the train straight to the happiness station! The job was everything I could want but still...happiness just wouldn't stay but for a fleeting moment. Where else could I find it then? Lets try the great guy option. Maybe last time it was just the wrong place, wrong time. Nope. Still no happiness to be found. Am I doing it wrong? Is my pursuit somehow flawed? Why haven't I found it yet? Why do I have to wait so much longer than the others? "If only I was.... If I could only do.... If I hadn't done..." Doubts and insecurities flooded my heart as I kept pursuing my goals. If I can just get to the next phase, maybe it ll happen. As soon as I would realize happiness wasn't to be found in a particular stage, I was already on to the next, searching.

The reality of this life of pursuit started to sink in. I didn't even know who or what I was anymore.. So lost in the fix it all and suggestions others had for me to correct my discontent. "Put yourself out there... Finally lose the weight and just wait to see who comes back to you... Just let go and let God. If you believe, He'll bless you... You do you... It all happens when you least expect it...You need to just detach yourself from people... Have you tried exercise? Endorphins make you happy!..Stop being such a people pleaser... It is so much harder on you since you don't have someone to lean on... Just get out of your head and do it... You overthink too much... Have you thought about seeing a therapist?.. You look so much thinner, are you finally happy?.."
Soon, I realized I was never going to "find happiness." Happiness, like anger or hunger or sadness or frustration, is an emotion. It comes and goes with the day of ups and downs. So this being true, what then was I searching so hard to find? What was my heart aching to be filled with? As I began to dig through my life, I found residue of broken hearts, wavering confidence, deep rooted layers of unworthiness and emotional disconnect. I kept digging and at the very bottom, I found myself. Sitting there patiently, waiting to be found. I saw, among the chaos of my life's baggage and choices, a version of myself I had always dreamt of. One that stood with her head held high, wielding her shield, ready to fight whatever came her way.
I decided to quit pursuing happiness. To be honest though, I do feel happy most days. Like today for instance. I had a few moments that were so high, a friend even said my eyes were sparkling. The warrior inside of me had full rays of sunshine to bask in. Then as quickly as the light pierced those dark corners, it faded. Moments later, I felt a weight on my chest and could feel a battle start to rumble. In years past, that would have led me to panic and find a fix all for the sudden shift and wave of unhappiness. This time, I just knew it was another battle in the war of life. My battles are mostly silent. They rage on inside me every single day without mercy. Some days are more brutal than others, but in the end, I still get to the end of the day in one piece. And that is empowering. To conquer a single 24 hour period is a victory. Upon realizing the reasons behind my pursuit of happiness, I began to look around me and see so many other warriors fighting similar battles. Its isolating...fighting the way we do. Our insecurities raising havoc in our hearts and telling us we aren't worthy of anyone's ear or time. This helped me realize how common struggles are. The pendulum had once again found its balance for me, but I know there are some still struggling. To be seen. To be heard and even to be found.::

Never stop pursuing, Friends!