Heart of the Issue: Singlehood

    So I'm suppose to make a list. A list of the qualities I want in a future spouse. I guess they can be negotiable and/or non negotiable. I get to decide what it will look like. You see, the danger in this is my heart. My heart is quite fragile when it comes to feelings about my future husband.
   When I was a little girl, I never dreamed about how I would save lives as a doctor or stand up for the law in court. I never pictured myself behind a desk writing code or standing in front of a classroom teaching addition. When I dreamt of my future I saw myself sitting in a rocking chair soothing a teething baby. I saw myself fixing beautiful meals as my husband walked in from work. I saw myself elbow deep in my garden or planting flowers with my daughter as my mother did with me. These were my dreams. This was what I wanted for my life. And I saw it happening as it did for almost all of my elder siblings. Meet a great guy in high school/college, fall in love, get married and be a wife and mother. My role models have always been my mother and sisters. Each of them were married by my age. I thought it was beautiful and figured my fate would be the same. At least that was my desire. Well high school came and there were not so many great guys, and none came and swept me off my feet. This confused me. Made me feel like it was something I did wrong. Why did I not have the life I so desired and envied? Why was fate not happening for me? It was a battle I fought for years. Even after finding peace in my singlehood, I have to fend off these doubts more often than not. As a Christian, I have found true peace in God's diligence and faithfulness in my future, however that doesn't always take away my wordly skepticism.
     Now would be the best assumed time to make the "list", right? I'm single with no limitations whatsoever on who my husband could be! Here is a catch though. My views of who my husband is and what he means to me is much different now than it was when I was that 14 year old freshman, dreaming of the next four years. This list hits the heart of the issue because that requires me to make a physical reality of my singlehood and the true desires of my heart. Which, all my single ladies can agree, is HARD! When we have to actually admit the struggle of being single it causes us to shine light on that giant insecurity. Don't get me wrong, I'm all about the numerous Hello Giggles articles of "rocking your single 20s" and using this time to "learn to love yourself first." However, I pose a question. What does it look like to embrace the pang of loneliness? As great as it may be to "not have to answer to anyone" or "binge watch all of Friends on Netflix," I still find myself wanting of someone by my side. Let's just embrace the truth of singlehood as being super sucky. Now we can go on to encourage each other in that struggle instead of ignoring it. Let us rise up and embrace it by using our time to love each other more. Use all the energy we would pour into our significant other and put that into one another. Because deep down we know pouring it back into ourselves does nothing. Pouring into other singles who are struggling too allows us to love well. It is entirely too easy to isolate ourselves because it is so much easier than being upfront with the pain. I can speak to the numerous attempts of isolation I have tried. Mercifully, I am in a place where I am surrounded by people who don't allow that. If you are able to isolate yourself, try and step out of that. I know it is hard. So hard. However, being honest and vulnerable with another single can open an opportunity to join forces in the fight!
     So here I sit before you, eyes full of tears, admitting my singlehood as a struggle. It's real. And it's valid. I know I am young. I know I have value. I know there is "someone wonderful" out there for me. I know I could try Internet dating. I know "my time will come." I know all these things. But what I don't know yet is what is on my list. And I think I should figure that out first. Or maybe instead, I should make a list of the qualities I can bring to my marriage. I should make both, actually.  I want to be transparent in this. The life I painted in my head based off my mother and sisters' lives was what I thought I knew. As I matured, I saw that is their stories. Their lives. The ones God has blessed them with. Each is full of their own struggles and hardships that come with the beauty. Mine, although it may look different, is still playing out. And tomorrow, I might post about a boy who showed up "when I was least expecting it." Or maybe it will be in a week, or a year. Whenever he does arrive, I know that he will blow whatever list I make out of the water because he will be mine. And well worth the wait and struggle of singlehood. Until then, rise up my fellow singles! Rise up and know you are valid. You are valued. And you are not alone in the sad days. Don't let those discourage the good ones. Be encouraged that your loneliness does not make you alone. Cheers!