Fight or Flight

So I have come to a giant, humbling conclusion lately . I am really terrible at relationships.

I have officially been in Omaha for over 4 years now. (HOOOOOW did that happen?!) This means I have been in one place for the longest period of time since high school. How cool is that?! Cool and real scary. Really. Freaking. Scary. I found that living life with people face to face is tough. I haven't had any relationships face to face and day to day in almost a decade. I would live a year maybe two with people then move. I still keep in touch with those people, but they would exit from my every day. So here I was living my life with a series of really great relationships that were all long distance. I was a great long distance friend. I could hop on a computer or phone and text and Skype and Facebook the crap out of any of you. But live every day life? I am doing it so poorly. I am remarkably insecure. The confidence I once knew gets shredded down to bits and pieces because all of a sudden, my very broken self is under the light of every day, tangible life. I feel myself pulling backwards and inward. My constant inner voice asking "What if? What if you aren't enough, Grace? What if they get tired of you and don't want to live life with you after 4 years, let alone a whole lifetime?" The clear answer is that all those thoughts are garbage. And I know that they are..maybe.. some days. Some days I can only get out of my head long enough to function. I keep wondering why I am so tired all the time and how one can go from being an extrovert to an introvert so quickly. I wasn't really changing as much as just being a human.*gasp* Whaaaaaat?  Excuse me while I climb down from my stool where I stood thinking I was so different than all others. I, Grace, am a basic human with basic human struggles. My crazy is just as crazy as the next persons. They struggle just like I do. My frantic and extreme meltdowns don't feel so big anymore. I was told often as a little girl that I was over dramatic. Granted, I was very expressive of my feelings and emotions, but I took that little label and created a billboard with it. I made it my identity. Grace, the drama queen. Grace, the girl with too many feelings. Grace, the meltdown haver.

You guys.... I'm a normal freaking human being. I'm not too much. For this life or anyone in it.

So now that we have established my average human status, lets also point out, I am an individual. I do love so deeply and feel everything. I do get super loud when I am excited or surprised. I do snort when I laugh. I fail every single day along side continuing to succeed. And I am really bad at relationships. They scare me more than I ever thought they did. Emotional vulnerability and exposure are sometimes paralyzing. I had a panic attack a couple weeks ago.. It was a bizarre. I have never experienced one like that before. I have days where I spiral, but I can normally talk myself out of them or am able to just sleep off the insecurities. That day was a perfect storm. I tried over and over to pull myself out of the loud and dark doubts echoing in my mind but I just couldn't do it. After about an hour of it steadily getting worse, I found myself sitting on my bedroom floor, arms wrapped around myself and not able to take a deep breathe. Somehow I managed to text my little brother, asking him to come over. I was in a worse place by the time he was able to get there. Through some coaxing, he was able to steady my breathing and get me to string enough words together to tell him what was going on in my head. And I said a lot. I think I scared him as much as I was scared. I showed him the version of self loathing and hate that I fight nearly every day. And it sucked. I felt legit ashamed for days afterward. I let myself get into such a position not asking for help that I had to put him in a terrible situation in order for him to help. But he showed up.. just like he has every other time. And I figure couldn't figure out why. Except now. He loves me. For every normal, up and down feeling I have every day. For every doubt, fear and insecurity that makes me into his big sister, he loves me for it. Yet I let myself forget the why nearly every day. It is terrible! I'd like to stop forgetting. I want to learn to love being normal. If you're reading this and are one who gets to live our normal lives day to day together, help. Please help me to not forget to love being loved. It is so hard but it is what I want the most. I want to stop shutting out those who love me SO well and just let them.

Last summer was the deciding moment for me. I was just past year 3 and starting to feel my heart lace up her running shoes. I had a great conversation with a friend recently about the moment you decide to fight or flight. I knew I didn't want to run, but wasn't sure I was strong enough to face my insecurities and fears. Then one day, I remember driving by a favorite spot in Omaha and knowing I wanted to fight. I wanted to fight for this city, for this life I have built here and for those I loved so dearly. I wanted to fight for them and with them. I wanted to fight through all my crap and I wanted to come out on the other side. So here I am.. Year 4 and knocked on my ass. With a little pep talk and wiping of the tears, I am back on my feet. So come at me with your best shot, I'm not going anywhere.