I know/I feel

Oof. This one hurts just talking about.

How many times have you said the following? "I know....but I feel..." I feel like the last few fights I have been in, ended in me saying, 'I know the following to be true but I just feel like...' It is amazing to me how the brain can comprehend such rational thoughts while simultaneously feeling the most irrational emotions. I talk myself off that ledge multiple times a day. I constantly was told as a child that I had too many feelings and would always 'make mountains out of molehills.' Which is a hilarious saying that no one says anymore, except it did a lot of damage to my big little girl heart. I felt like me having all these feelings was a negative thing and no one ever told me how to fix it, they just told me I had them and it was too much. Like anything else, you hear the same thing enough, it becomes a part of your identity. For many years, I lived in the falsehood of being too much and having too many feelings. As I came out of that, I remember the intention I would use when talking. "I KNOW that this is the logical reason but I am FEELing like this to be true." I somehow felt like if I was able to show people I knew the difference between cognitive thought and reckless emotions, that it would somehow make them thing I was more of a manageable human. What came from it was a really great way to communicate all my feelings. Disperse them into boxes and help me separate out what was a reactive emotion versus a hurtful one. This language allowed me to sit down and have some of the hardest conversations of my life thus far. Ones that came with both words and emotions. Ones that led to healing, more hurt and emotions that just needed to be felt. When we find a voice for our emotions, we become damn near unstoppable. I turned that tap on full blast and became a little too good at it for a few years there. I was just all out there, all the time. It was where I needed to be at the time, but any of you reading this who were by my side during that season know 'abrasive' barely begins to cover it.

As a child, we are taught to speak but never really taught how to feel. A child throws a temper tantrum because they don't have the words to explain their feelings. And 7/10 times they end up getting in trouble for it. So we send them to time out. For their feelings. Until they can gather the few words they do have to explain why they acted in such a way. We don't teach our children the other language of being a human. Once they can talk, we throw vocabulary words at them, but never show them how to use those to speak. Or give them space to speak them. What if we taught a child the word 'anger' as one of their first words? And they knew to call that emotion what it is as soon as it arises. And then we teach them 'happy' as we tickle away the anger? They are much more resilient as wee ones than us jaded adults.

I guess what I am saying is take what you 'know' and start talking about what you 'feel.' Your feelings are real. All of them. The good ones, the bad ones, the really really hard ones. Our ugliest feels are those with the tightest grip. If we can find words for them, they lose all their power. It is part of the lies we were taught. Words are hard. It takes practice. When you say them wrong, don't get stuck on what was wrong, find the right way to say it. You can't change what comes out, but you can correct it. How many times do writers edit their papers to form the perfect sentences? I think that is why I am such a huge advocate for grace upon grace(yes, its my name). We mess it up. Every day. In what we say, in what we do, in how we feel, in the narrative we tell ourselves. But we get another try. To practice once more at trying to 'know' what we 'feel'. I know I don't have it all figured out yet..trust me. I am still pretty terrible at it most days..ask my H.O.H(official term for my boyfriend in all future posts.). He above anyone else knows just how wrapped up I can get in the know vs feel debacle. And I am incredibly lucky to have found someone who doesn't just quit on me when I get it wrong. On days where there is no words and only feels, I recommend the full fetal position with City and Colour on in the back round. Some days that is the only way.

Cheers Favorites, you are doing just fine. As am I.